


Down If You Are

by Delmareve



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkward Conversations, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, First Time, Friendship/Love, In which Kurapika finally sorts out this whole sex thing., Long Porn With Characterization, M/M, Masturbation, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 06:14:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4169040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delmareve/pseuds/Delmareve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurapika wasn’t carved from stone. He honestly had no idea where Leorio had gotten the notion that he had all the sexuality of a rock resting at the bottom of a lake, but it was patently untrue — and, to be honest, kind of <em>offensive.</em></p><p> </p><p>  </p><p> </p><p>  <em>Note: Kinda hate this now. May finish, may just leave it.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For aghastlyghost. I took your suggestion and wrote 30K+ of really bad (badly written) porn, and I'm so sorry.

Kurapika wasn’t carved from stone. He honestly had no idea where Leorio had gotten the notion that he had all the sexuality of a rock resting at the bottom of a lake, but it was patently untrue — and, to be honest, kind of _offensive_.

 

Well...okay. If Kurapika was honest with himself (admittedly, not something he indulged in very often) he supposed he could see how Leorio had arrived at that conclusion. He’d always been rather modest, even by the fairly conservative standards of the Kurta, and the intervening years had only made him more prickly, slower to trust; Kurapika understood, in an abstract sort of way, the feelings most people associated with sex — love and companionship and procreation, simple thrumming _lust_ , but he never really thought he’d get to experience those things for himself.

Truth be told, there was a part of him that never quite got the appeal of touching genitals with another person. The act itself seemed...messy, at best, and maudlin at worst, a completely unnecessary distraction. Kurapika would be the first to admit he had Issues (capital I absolutely fucking intended), and that those aforementioned issues had perhaps colored his opinion on the whole thing, just a smidge. He couldn’t deny that the thought of lying down, touching someone and being touched by them, the intimacy and vulnerability and _trust_ involved with sex made him feel...not disgusted, exactly. But definitely _uncomfortable_ , in some formless way he’d never been able to put into words.

Kurapika trusted people to be cruel, to be thoughtless, to disappoint him or annoy him or become a hindrance in some way, but he’d never trusted anyone to make him happy. Sex required letting one’s guard down, and the last time he’d done _that_ , everyone he'd ever known or loved was killed.

As far as Kurapika was concerned, it just wasn’t worth it.

Sex remained a point of curiosity for him, however.

Mostly because he wasn’t carved from stone, no matter what others assumed, but also because he was just plain _curious_. His sexual knowledge was by no means exhaustive, but Kurapika was highly intelligent, and he’d put together enough second-hand information to cobble up a working hypothesis. He had, for instance, figured out that it wasn’t an opposite-sexes-exclusive activity (or even limited to just two people kind of activity) and that for all the thousands of emotions and reasons and situations one could attach to being intimate with another person, it was, at the very least, supposed to feel good.

Kurapika was a teenage boy with a perfectly healthy (if often repressed) libido. He would be lying — and badly, at that — if he claimed he’d never felt any sort of sexual attraction, even mildly, with all the accompanying urges that entailed. And since he’d never been able to, couldn’t even begin to imagine lowering his guard enough to let someone else inside, ignoring the pun, whatever urges he felt he had to take care of himself.

...Errghhh.

Like everything else that wasn’t immediately useful to him, Kurapika mostly ignored this particular need. He had more than enough to occupy his time. Training. Planning. Reading. More...training. Seriously, it was enough!

Unfortunately, some things couldn’t be ignored forever. When a very cold shower wasn’t an option, when he was lying alone in the dark with his thoughts, loneliness a constant bedfellow, depression nipping hot on his heels, his heart and body full of desires his rational mind kept insisting he had no use for, Kurapika had no choice but to fall back on tried and true methods.

Masturbation was almost always a last resort, and, like most things dealing with or related to sex, Kurapika didn’t quite get the appeal. By the time he got around to touching himself, he was usually desperate, interested only in getting it over and done with as quickly as possible so he could get some damn _sleep_. If masturbating was supposed to be pleasurable, relaxing and healthy, Kurapika wasn’t getting the memo.

What, exactly, was he supposed to think about while he did... _that?_ What did other people think about? Leorio really seemed to enjoy those magazines he was always buying (the ones with triple-x’s stamped on their covers), but Kurapika saw nothing appealing about staring at some swimsuit model with unnaturally large breasts and a vaguely constipated expression. As brilliant as he was in all other areas, his mind sputtered like an overheated engine when he tried to think “sexy thoughts”. As a result, Kurapika tried not to think about _anything_ , angrily brushing aside the images his traitorous mind conjured up, like tall, distressingly familiar figures with dark hair and nice brown eyes. It was a wonder he managed to get off at all, but Kurapika was nothing if not determined to finish _everything_ he started, no matter what.

Mixed in with his relief (because he always _was_ relieved, afterward) was an undeniable sense of mild shame, as if he’d failed some test of pride. Kurapika was smart enough to know these feelings probably weren’t normal, or at the very least, not healthy, but what was he supposed to _do?_ Did he even _want_ to do anything about this?

Sex was frustrating. _Relationships_ were frustrating. Kurapika desperately wished he could sustain himself on rage alone, but he couldn’t, and he _hated_ that he couldn’t. There was a part of him that longed for closeness and yet shunned it at every opportunity. He wouldn’t know how to react even if the opportunity presented itself.

But Kurapika was...only human. The Phantom Troupe had taken everything from him, but they hadn’t taken _that_. And he was young; Kurapika disliked being reminded of his age, everyone always looked so damn surprised when he mentioned he was seventeen, not even old enough to drink. _Jailbait_ , according to Mizuken. A damn shame, too, his old Nen teacher once bemoaned, shaking his head.

Needless to say, Kurapika couldn’t get away from _that_ pervert fast enough.

Kurapika had an enormous capacity for self-deception, however. For a while, it’s the only thing keeping him together — and so two years go by, the way years always seem to go by, with a stealthy quickness that leaves him wondering where the time went.

 

* * *

 

 

Kurapika is nineteen. He’s old enough to drink, a little wiser and more experienced, but otherwise he still feels more or less the same as he did at seventeen: a little empty inside, a little _numb_.

And right now, he’s not having the best of days.

“That was nice,” Leorio commented idly as they stepped off the elevator, swinging their room key in one hand, his tanned face flushed from alcohol and lively celebration; they had been sitting side-by-side at the same dinner party, but Kurapika looked pale and wan in comparison. He didn’t respond.

“Don’t you think that was nice?” Leorio asked, sighing contentedly. “Mito-san’s cooking is seriously the best! Like, even better than my _mom’s_ cooking! And that’s really saying some—"

“...Could you hurry it up?” Kurapika interrupted, his voice a low, irritable rasp. He was cold (the rainy season had come early this year), and brimming with an exhaustion that was more social than physical, tinged all over with a bitterness that made him feel sick to his stomach.

“Okay, okay, _sheesh_ ,” Leorio muttered, sliding their room key through its card reader. The red ‘locked’ indicator flashed green, and the door clicked audibly. “Kurapika, are you okay? You’ve been acting weird ever since we left Gon’s house.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Kurapika replied through gritted teeth, pushing past Leorio into the room.

Leorio arched a brow at his back, but followed him inside without another word.


	2. Chapter 2

Kurapika immediately makes a beeline for the bathroom, an old tabard he planned to use as pajamas slung over one shoulder. He could feel Leorio watching him the entire time, but he didn't stop and he refused to look back, not until he'd reached the privacy the commode offered; damn it, he just needed a moment to _breathe_.

 

Once he was there, surrounded by some truly horrendous hotel decorations, Kurapika closed the door behind him with a soft _click_ , checking twice to make sure it was locked. Belatedly, it occurred to him that he probably should have asked Leorio if he needed to use the facilities first; normally, he _would_ have asked, but Kurapika was so drained his natural politeness had, for all intents and purposes, taken a rain check and gone home early.

What's more, he really didn't care one way or the other. Leorio wasn't shy. Kurapika figured if push came to shove, he wouldn't hesitate to bang on the door and order him to hurry it up. But Leorio did no such thing, and after a moment, Kurapika heard a low, static hum as his friend turned on the television and began flipping from one channel to the next, looking for gods-know-what.

"Aww, are you _serious?"_ Leorio whined to no-one in particular, his voice floating in through the thin barrier that separated them. Kurapika couldn't help smiling a little at the familiar note of irritation in the older man's tone, even as tired and unhappy as he was. Some things never changed, and it was good that they didn't.

Kurapika sighed, taking a moment to lean against the bathroom's tiny sink with his eyes closed, desperately trying to get a handle on his tumultuous state of mind. It had a long time since he'd felt thisawful — and _that_ was really saying something, considering that the last two years had largely consisted of one shitty day after another, until they all began to blend together, like ink running off a page.

"Stupid," Kurapika muttered into the silence, raking a hand through his hair, which had grown long and unruly, " _stupid_ to get upset over something like this...you're bigger than that…"

And yet, here he was. Upset, and feeling just as small and petty as he'd ever felt. With a distracted growl, Kurapika turned to fiddle with the knobs in the shower, wanting nothing more than to scrub off the smell of travel and fall into bed. Hopefully, if this day was like all those other days, he'd feel after he got some sleep.

Unfortunately, he was in for a rude bit of news.

"So, hey..." Leorio began as Kurapika eased back into the room, his voice deceptively light, "there's only one bed."

Kurapika froze in the middle of drying his hair, his eyes narrowing in a combination of annoyance and disbelief. He'd been so preoccupied he hadn't noticed the state of their suite (surprisingly unobservant of him, gods, he must be a lot more tired than he thought) but Kurapika took this opportunity to look around now — and sure enough, Leorio was right.

The bed, such as it was, sat in the middle of the room, bordered on both sides by sturdy bedside tables covered with crocheted doilies that all but screamed Whale Island: a little sweet, a little tacky, a little kitsch, perfectly unique. The rest of the room was fairly unremarkable; a small couch (where Leorio currently sat, peering at him from over the top of the cushions), a single chair, a wall-mounted TV, and a foxbear fur rug which took up a good portion of the floor.

Kurapika grit his teeth, resisting a sudden, irrational urge to kick something.

"This is _unacceptable_ ," Kurapika hissed. To emphasize his displeasure, Kurapika balled up the towel he'd been using and hurled into the nearest corner — a move which, in retrospect, made him look like he was on the verge of a screaming tantrum (he was). The effect was somewhat lessened by the fact that it was a bath towel _,_ and instead of hitting the wall with all the earth-shattering force his anger warranted, it just kind of unraveled and...floated to the floor. Slowly.

Leorio's eyes followed its progression with a single arched brow. _Bastard_. He could have at least pretended to be intimidated.

"Did we not — _specifically_ — ask for a room with two beds?" Kurapika demanded, unperturbed by this, the first few tendrils of a headache starting to take root at the base of his temples. Just when he thought this night couldn't try his patience any further, the universe saw fit to send down a big ol' s _crew you._

"Nope."

"I should go downstairs and —" Kurapika paused, blinking. "W-what?"

"We didn't ask for a room with two beds," Leorio clarified, infuriatingly calm. "We assumed we'd _get_ one with two beds. The difference is...whelp, pretty obvious, I guess."

_"And?"_

"And, what?" Leorio replied, frowning a little.

"Was that an unreasonable assumption to make?" Kurapika asked, cold as a glacier. "There are _two_ of us. Where are you supposed to sleep?"

Leorio sighed. "I like how you naturally assumed _I'd_ be the one sleeping on the couch. Thanks, Kurapika. Way to be a pal."

"Don't make jokes," Kurapika seethed, crossing the room on bare feet. The tabard he was wearing was an old one, more a long poncho than anything else; its colors were the muted greens and browns of the earth, and the thick material smelt strongly of dried flowers and moth-balls. Wearing it reminded Kurapika of his father, so much it _hurt_ _,_ bittersweet memories of sitting on the man's knee as he read aloud from some dusty old scroll. Maps and encyclopedias were his first bedtime stories. Kurapika didn't wear it very often, but the inclement weather on Whale Island had called for something warm.

"Who's joking?" Leorio muttered under his breath, fiddling with the buttons on the remote.

Kurapika went to stand in front of the television, blocking Leorio's view. "Don't you dare try to change the subject, Leorio!"

" _What_ subject? Whaddya want me to say?" Leorio cried, throwing up his hands. "Whale Island ain't exactly the most advanced place in the world, Pika."

 _Pika_. Kurapika couldn't help narrowing his eyes at that, and not for the reason Leorio probably assumed; Leorio was the only person who'd ever dared to give him any sort of nickname, and it startled him to hear it every single time. The context made no difference — whether Leorio was snarling in a combination of anger and exasperation or using a low, conspiratorial murmur, there was something undeniably _warm_ about the way Leorio shortened his name, _affectionate_ , a little quirk they alone shared.

Even after all this time, Kurapika still wasn't sure how he felt about it.

Leorio babbled right along, oblivious, "— ninety-five percent of the folks who check in here are either fishermen on shore leave or couples on vacation, and we sure as hell don't look like fishermen." Leorio shrugged. "This a country inn, not the Ritz Yorknew. Even if we'd asked for a room with two beds, I doubt they would have had one."

"Figures," Kurapika scoffed, marching away from the TV to plop down the bed, their very _single_ bed. "...should have expected nothing less from a backwater place like this."

" _Really?_ " Leorio laughed, sounding like he couldn't help it. "This, coming from a guy who grew up in the woods and rode giant chickens?"

"They're not _giant chickens!_ " Kurapika snapped, offended by that simplistic description. "They're Lukso hens! And I'll have _you_ know, they're faster than horses and can carry more weight, too."

"Right," Leorio replied, his lips quirked in amusement. "Look, it's really not that big of a deal, okay? You got the bed, I got the couch; it's cool." Leorio paused a minute, then added: "Sides, we're lucky we found this place on such short notice. Coulda been worse."

Kurapika picked at the quilt, silent and sullen, feeling low and mean. Unsatisfied _,_ somehow.

Leorio was absolutely correct — it wasn't a big deal, and he knew it wasn't. They _both_ knew. His complaints with their sleeping situation were just a cover for something else, something _deeper_ , lurking in the spaces between them like shadows, growing larger and more obvious by the minute. Kurapika felt weighed down... _gods_. He felt like he was drowning, in more ways than one.

"...Pika?"

Kurapika didn't respond, nor did he look up. After a moment, he heard Leorio sigh, then a soft _thwip_ as his friend turned off the television.

"Kurapika, I…" Another sigh. "If you don't wanna talk, that's fine. But for the record, you're not fooling me. Something's bothering you. Something's been bothering you all evening. And I...I kinda hoped, by _this_ point, you'd trust me enough to just spit it out."

Kurapika frowned at that. Leorio often came off as nothing more than an affable loudmouth, but he knew better: underneath Leorio's unassuming visage was a man of startling interpersonal skill. Kurapika had no idea how he did it, but Leorio just seemed to _get_ people; he had an uncanny ability to see through all the bluster and the bullshit and cut right to the center of an issue, never pulling any punches, so sincere he inspired the respect (and reluctant admiration) of everyone around him.

Kurapika swallowed, hovering on the edge of indecision — and because Leorio was Leorio, and _Straightforward_ might as well have been his middle name, he saw this and added:

"You're not doing anyone any favors by being all shitty and passive-aggressive, y'know."

Kurapika bristled. "...I'm fairly convinced _nothing_ is ever that big of a deal to you."

"I... _what?_ " Leorio blinked, obviously caught off-guard by this. " 'Scuse me?"

"Nothing, just — _nothing_." Kurapika shot back, suddenly so very _done_ with everything right now. "Why should I bother? You wouldn't understand even if I did explain. You, Gon, Killua...you're all completely selfish."


	3. Chapter 3

_"Why should I bother? You wouldn't understand even if I did explain. You, Gon, Killua...you're all completely selfish."_

 

Kurapika regretted those words the instant they left his mouth — even to his own ears, he sounded petulant, unreasonable _—_ but it was too late to call them back, and his accusation settled around the room like caustic dust. Leorio's eyes widened, briefly, and Kurapika read something in those brown depths that made his stomach churn with guilt; for a second the older man's expression was filled with confusion and pain and... _something else,_ an emotion Kurapika had no name for, except it left him feeling exposed and vaguely ashamed of himself. _Apologize_ , a voice hissed urgently from some place deep inside, his conscience kicking him, _it's not too late. Apologize before this gets ugly for no reason._

But Kurapika's mouth remained stubbornly shut, and it wasn't long before Leorio was glaring him, all his confusion replaced by anger.

"Selfish?" Leorio repeated, incredulous. This one-word statement was followed by a laugh, short and sharp, completely lacking in his usual good cheer: "Ha, really? You have absolutely no right to accuse anyone of selfish behavior, Kurapika."

"Excuse me?" Kurapika ground out between clenched teeth, ignoring his conscience, ignoring the gathering tension in the air, a discomfort he could feel in the pit of his stomach.

"You heard me," Leorio shot back, the fury in his voice unmistakable, "you can't even pick up your damn _phone_! Where were you when Gon was in the hospital, _huh?!"_

Kurapika glanced away, swallowing hard. He could still remember how that abandoned church had echoed with the ghosts of old sermons, the stone pews crumbling and empty, the roof partially caved in; he blew a small fortune on white lilies and candles, and lined up all the scarlet eyes he'd spent months gathering in neat rows — all that effort, _literal_ blood, sweat and tears. He thought the symbolic funeral would make him feel better, gods, it _should_ have made him feel better, but the longer Kurapika sat there, the emptier he felt, until there was nothing left but bitterness and the creeping suspicion that everything he'd done was all for nothing because his family and friends were never coming back.

"I was busy," Kurapika muttered, keeping his eyes averted.

Leorio scoffed. " _Busy_. You're always busy. That's your excuse for _everything_."

"It is _not_ an excuse!" Kurapika snarled, the faint headache that had been plaguing him all evening now a full-blown throbbing in his temples. How had it come to this? "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for Gon, really, I am. I've already apologized to him for my absence."

"Good, you _should_ apologize," Leorio snapped. "In fact, I hope you feel downright awful. Gon could have died, Kurapika! And you couldn't pull your head out of your ass long enough to check on him!"

"I'm —" Kurapika halted, forcing himself to take a deep breath. "Nevermind. You know what? I don't have to explain anything to you."

"Oh, believe me, I'm well aware!" Leorio replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm, his jaw and the line of his shoulders taut; a look flash between them, something that felt like molten steel plunged in a trough of water, anger and disappointment and frustration so powerful it seemed to _hiss_ , "I can't even get return calls out of you, let alone straight answers. And you think you're so mature? Get _over_ yourself already!"

Kurapika began to shake, a tremble so slight he barely noticed it. He felt sick, his emotional center weighed down and corrupted by resentment and two years worth of directionless worry; part of him wanted to cry, but he couldn't deny that there was another, bigger part of him that was so fucking _furious_ he could have knocked Leorio's teeth down his throat. It terrified him, this sudden thirst for violence, because it was aimed at someone he genuinely cared about, and this just couldn't be _right_ : Leorio with his big, goofy smiles and his too-loud laughter and his kind brown eyes, squaring off against him like the bitterest of foes.

"I…" Kurapika breathed. He _forced_ himself to breathe. "Just stop. Please. None of this is helping."

"You _started_ it!" Leorio exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. Leorio got up from the couch and began to pace the room, his long legs practically tearing up the floor, agitation written in every line of him. Leorio was a very temperamental man, but this was the first time Kurapika had seen him thisupset, and knowing that he'd caused it sent another stab of guilt through him, "Look, I — I'm sorry, alright? But you can't just start some shit and then turn tail when the conversation becomes too difficult for you. So can we please just hash this out and move past it, _please?"_

"There's nothing…" Kurapika's voice broke on the last syllable, but he squared his shoulders and continued: "There's nothing to hash out."

"Says you," Leorio replied, his expression filled with reproof. "I really don't get you sometimes, Pika."

"Don't call me that!" Kurapika snarled, the nickname too much in the middle of this disagreement. Leorio whirled on him; there were lines on his forehead as he frowned, and Kurapika was seized by a sudden urge to walk over to him, reach out and smooth those lines away, smooth this _all_ away so they could go back to joking with each other like the old days.

Leorio's expression hardened, his eyes like two chips of ice. "You are so full of shit!" he roared, his deep voice echoing off the rafters. "Too busy doing all that _big important stuff_ out there to give a damn about anyone but yourself. Oh but, _I'm_ selfish. Gimme a break!"

"You can take your moral high ground and fuck yourself with it, Leorio." Kurapika's voice was low, almost a whisper, a direct contrast to Leorio's animated rage, but there was a roaring in his ears and he couldn't seem to stop shaking.

"Just tell me _why_ , Kurapika!" Leorio cried, the anguish in his voice like nails under Kurapika's skin, the way he was gazing at him, so earnest despite his obvious pain, "I called you every single day and got _nothing_. One time — you couldn't even pick up _one_ lousy time."

"Why does it matter so much to you?" Kurapika shouted, breaking all at once, his self-control buckling under this argument; why couldn't Leorio just leave well enough alone? "Why do you _care_?"

"Because I needed you!" Leorio shouted right back, and Kurapika shuddered; Leorio's voice was somehow hard and soft at the same time, resounding with not-so-hidden meaning, but Kurapika didn't want to think about that. He _couldn't._

"I wanted to hear your voice, I..." Leorio raked his fingers through his short, dark hair, a frustrated, helpless gesture. "I didn't know whether you were alive or dead out there. I just wanted to know if...if you were okay."

"Well, I'm fine!" Kurapika gestured wildly down at himself, the bed, feeling hollow and false. "Perfectly okay! I'm right here! Are you _happy?_ "

"...That's not good enough," Leorio replied lowly, his shoulders slumping. "And you're _not_ okay. Damn you, Pika. You can't even be honest with me for five minutes."

"Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" Kurapika hissed. "I'm sure you had plenty of women to keep you company in the meantime."

"Did you answer Gon and Killua's calls at least?" Leorio asked, purposely ignoring the jibe. "Or did you ignore _them_ , too?"

"When it was important, yes."

"Oh, I see." Leorio chuckled mirthlessly. "So it's _me_ , then. You decided _I_ wasn't important. Thanks, Kurapika. Glad to finally know where I stand."

"Would you _just_ —!" Before he realized he'd even moved, Kurapika had crossed the room to stand before Leorio, furiously jabbing a finger into his muscular chest. "This. Isn't. About you!" Kurapika growled, emphasizing each break in his words with another jab of his finger, "I never stopped thinking of us as friends! Ever!"

"Then what _is_ this about, huh?" Leorio asked, barely flinching, even though those jabs had to hurt, "What was so important you had to cut yourself off from everyone? The people who cared about you? Do you have any idea how painful it is to reach out to someone time and time again, and never have them reach back?"

"Then why _did_ you?!" The question came out half a scream and half a sob, and Kurapika realized with some mild species of wonder that he was on the verge of tears, his head ached abysmally and his throat felt raw. "If I'm so heartless, why did you keep calling?"

"Because I know you better than that," was Leorio's reply, ridiculously gentle. "This isn't you, Pika. I —"

Leorio reached for him, but Kurapika slapped his hands away, breathing hard, and took a step back.

"Don't. Don't act like you know me — _you don't know me_ ," Kurapika seethed, his fists clenching and unclenching, "I don't _need_ you; I've gotten by just fine on my own! I don't need your pity, I don't need you sticking your nose in my business, I don't need your calls or your stupid fucking sentimentality — whatever you're looking for, _it's not here_. Go find another one of your girls and leave. Me. _Alone_."

"Pity? You seriously think…" Leorio paused, his Adam's apple working as he swallowed; he glanced away, but not before Kurapika caught the look in his eyes, so much _hurt_.

"You know what? Fine. Screw you," Leorio's voice had returned to its normal range, but somehow that was worse than when he'd been been yelling at the top of his lungs; it was a surface-calm that belied the fury underneath, so hot the words seemed to lash Kurapika's face. "I can't believe I —" Leorio paused, biting back whatever he was going to say with a shake of his head. "I thought, maybe if I kept trying, I could help. I just wanted...but it's obvious you'd rather be miserable all by yourself than accept the support of your  _friends_. So you know what? Fine by me!"

Leorio whipped around, his voice rising once again — he never _could_ be quiet for long — but it was if Kurapika had been turned to stone, he was so still.

"You _deserve_ to be miserable if this is how you treat your friends! You've pushed me away, and I'm sure you'll get around to pushing Gon and Killua away, too! Then you can live out the rest of your days _alone._ That's what you want, isn't it? You whiny, arrogant, _stuck-up_ son of a —"

A soft sound interrupted Leorio's tirade, part sigh and part sob; it caught the edges of his hearing and wrangled his full attention so fast it was as if someone had dealt him a blow to the stomach.

Leorio turned to face the blond, meeting his gaze full-force; Kurapika's eyes were dark as thunderstorms, and there were tears slipping slowly down his face, cutting clear ribbons over his round, boyish cheeks. Kurapika's chin was wobbling a little with the effort to remain silent, and he looked so small, so _exhausted;_ Leorio had no idea how he'd missed that — it was surely a testament to Kurapika's own willpower. The Kurta had kept his state of mind so far under wraps Leorio hadn't been able to tell how unhappy he was until now, on the verge of a breakdown.

Leorio's heart wrenched and twisted in his chest, his anger forgotten with a single, clear thought: _No, Pika, please don't cry —_

But then Kurapika spun away from him, practically sprinting for the bathroom. Leorio immediately went to intercept, blocking the way with his considerably bigger body, clutching the doorframe for dear life to keep Kurapika from pushing past him.

" _Move!_ " Kurapika snarled, his voice ragged and choked with tears, but Leorio wasn't moving, he _wasn't_ going to let Kurapika barricade himself away in here, not until he _fixed_ this goddamn it —

"No, wait, _hold on —_!" Leorio replied, practically begging, and that's when Kurapika punched him — not hard enough to knock him down, although he certainly could have done that — but definitely hard enough to hurt like a _bitch_ , his fist sinking deep in Leorio's toned stomach. Leorio doubled over a bit, his breath leaving him in a whoosh, but he didn't budge an inch. Kurapika hissed like a cat, his tears coming hard and fast.

" _Move_ , Leorio. I mean it!"

"I know," Leorio smiled grimly, straightening up, "but I'm not moving. I'm not going to let you isolate yourself Kurapika, not again, not this time. You'll have to beat the shit out of me first."

For a second it looked like Kurapika was going to do just that, and Leorio braced himself for more punishment; a minute passed, two, and then Kurapika took a deep, shuddery breath, folding in on himself in way that was so fucking painful to watch.

" _Why?_ " Kurapika's voice broke like glass, his body trembling, and Leorio could hear more in that simple query than this particular situation called for. "I'm...Leorio, I'm…"

 _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry;_ but he couldn't seem to get it out, suddenly he crying too hard, each sob like a physical ache. It had been so _long_ since he had cried — not since he'd buried each and every one of his clan-mates, in fact, digging their graves one after another with a beat-up old shovel, until he was covered with mud and blood and his hands were so badly blistered he could barely close them without blinding pain.

Kurapika buried his face in the crook of one arm and cried; he couldn't seem to stop now that he'd started, until it wasn't just about this stupid argument anymore — it was all the tears he'd ever managed to hold back, the last two dark years that had taken more out of him than he ever would have suspected.

And then Leorio was holding him, crushing him against his chest, so warm and solid, _strong_ , petting his hair and caressing his back.

"Kurapika, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay," Leorio murmured above him, rocking him gently back and forth. "I'm here, I'm here. I'll always be here."

 _Thank you_ , Kurapika thought, too weary to do much more than melt into Leorio's embrace until his sniffles subsided. It was so strange, but for a while, in Leorio's arms, everything felt okay, _finally_ —

 

— and for the next twenty minutes, they simply stay like that.


	4. Chapter 4

Everything about Leorio was so damn comforting, and it had been so long — _too_ long — since Kurapika had been comforted.

 

His eyes were itchy and swollen from crying, and he was simultaneously nauseous and headachy; Kurapika felt like a vase that had been shattered and then carelessly put back together with weak glue. One wrong move, and he would break all over again, sobbing like a newborn.

But Leorio's touch was gentle, _soothing_ , and Kurapika melted into him like he'd always been meant for it. It wasn't fair to either of them — and it especially wasn't fair to Leorio, because he was just trying to be a good friend, had _always_ been trying to be a good friend. Deep down inside, Kurapika knew he had no right to dump all his emotional baggage on him...but maybe, just this once, he could close his eyes and let his guard down. Gods, he was just so _tired_. Kurapika wrapped his arms around Leorio's ridiculously broad chest and held on for dear life, and Leorio responded by squeezing him tight, more reassurance than he had any reason to expect after two years of being so unavailable.

"Kurapika?" Leorio murmured above him, gently running his fingers through his hair, "are you...are you okay?"

Kurapika swallowed, nodding a little. But that was a lie, because he couldn't quite bring himself to let go. Suddenly Kurapika was overflowing inside, only he had no idea what he was overflowing _with;_ his feelings were so badly jumbled it would take more energy than he currently possessed to sort them all out — Kurapika had spent so many years brushing all those feelings aside he wouldn't even know where to _begin_.

All he knew was that he wasn't ready to pull himself together yet. Not _yet_. So Kurapika buried his face in Leorio's pinstriped dress shirt and breathed, wanting to bask in this moment of peace for as long as he could, before his brutal reality came creeping back in: all that loneliness, all that pain, all those unfulfilled promises of revenge.

_Leorio, please. Please. Just hold me a little longer._

Leorio exuded an aura of steady dependability Kurapika hadn't realized he missed until now; there was something about him that felt like _home_ , back when Kurapika still had one — _gods_ , he never knew a person could feel like home. Leorio smelled like old books and cigarette smoke, and the spicy-sharp cologne he'd always disliked. It made him smile, but it also made him feel sad, in some deeply undefinable way, and Kurapika knew he had to pull away, _now_ , before the feeling overwhelmed him.

"I'm…" Kurapika lifted his head, sighing quietly into the space between them. "Leorio, I'm so sorry, I…"

A hiccup interrupted him, sudden and embarrassing, and Kurapika blushed, realizing how horrible he must look with his tear-stained face and runny nose. He snuffled, and wiped the snot away with the back of one hand, wincing internally at the indignity of it all. But Leorio didn't seem to mind his hiccups or the conspicuous smear he'd left on the front of his dress shirt, though; there was nothing but kindness in Leorio's big brown eyes, and Kurapika would always be grateful for that.

"No, _I'm_ sorry," Leorio replied, self-consciously rubbing the back of his neck. "I didn't mean...I didn't mean any of those things I said. I was just so _angry_ …" he drifted off, into silence, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. "...but that's no excuse. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

Kurapika smiled ruefully. "I yelled right back, you know. It's okay, Leorio, really. I deserved some of that. I've been a terrible friend, to you, to Gon…" Kurapika squared his shoulders, meeting Leorio's gaze head-on. "Can you forgive me?"

Leorio exhaled shakily, a cocktail of relief-fondness-surprise flashing across his expression; it used to annoy Kurapika how easy it was to read him, but now it just made him smile, the way Leorio could never hide _anything_ , the way he was always so upfront.

"Of _course_ I forgive you, Pika. I —" Leorio paused, uncharacteristically hesitant, his brows furrowed in consternation.

"Yes?" Kurapika asked, suddenly nervous.

"Nothing, it's...ugh. Kurapika…" Leorio's voice softened, became pleading — and without warning, he reached out to take Kurapika's hand. Kurapika inhaled once, sharply, taken aback by the way Leorio intertwined their fingers, but if the taller man's sweaty palms were anything to go by, he was just as nervous despite his bold gesture.

"Can we...can we please just sit down and talk for a bit? Please?"

"Oh…" Kurapika glanced down, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. Part of him wanted to bury his face in a pillow and forget this had ever happened, and part of him wanted to pour his heart out to Leorio, rid himself of this terrible _emptiness_ ; "...yes. Of course," he heard himself say, before he turned and shuffled awkwardly over to the bed.

Halfway there, Kurapika realized he was still holding Leorio's hand, and the implication in that — _taking him straight to bed_ — made him snatch away, blushing furiously, even though it was completely ridiculous. Honestly, if Pairo and the others could see him now, making such an ass of himself...

Kurapika plopped down on the edge of the mattress, carefully folding his hands in his lap. He felt vaguely uncomfortable, and wondered if it would have helped had he chosen the couch instead, but the thought of crossing that room suddenly seemed like too much effort; it didn't really matter anyway, because Leorio simply knelt down in front of him, implacable as a brick wall, and Kurapika saw that he'd put his game-face on, his serious future-doctor face, the one that told him there would be no more running and no more shouting, only honesty.

Kurapika had to resist the urge to fidget.

"Pika, why were you so upset tonight?" Leorio asked, gentle and direct. "Earlier, I mean."

Kurapika chuckled mirthlessly. "Not letting me off the hook on that one, are you?"

"I just wanna make sure you're okay," Leorio insisted. "That _we're_ okay, _really_ okay. Apologies don't mean shit if you never figure out why you had to apologize in the first place."

Kurapika blinked, surprised and duly impressed. "Wow. When did you become so wise?"

"Joke's on you, I've always been wise," Leorio replied, waggling his eyebrows. "You just weren't payin' attention. So?"

"I don't…" Kurapika swallowed, slowly; his throat had suddenly gone dry, all his emotions thrumming inside him like so much unspent energy. "I don't even know where to begin. Leorio…"

"I got all night," Leorio assured him, shifting closer, his big hands resting on either side of Kurapika's thighs atop the quilt. "Try me."

Kurapika sighed, his shoulders slumping, Leorio's simple, unconditional support tugging at him, a warm pull he couldn't resist even if he'd wanted to. He _didn't_ want to. Kurapika opened his mouth, but the words caught for a moment on his own stubborn pride, when — _when_ had it become so hard for him to just be honest?

"I thought…I thought I would feel better once I found the scarlet eyes and lay my brethren to rest," Kurapika began, haltingly, "I thought it would give me closure, give _them_ closure — I thought that if I set revenge aside and did this _one_ thing, it would solve all my problems and I could start learning how to be happy again."

Kurapika raked his fingers through his hair, terse and tense and so, so frustrated. _I'm such a stupid little child_. The thought was steeped in bitterness, roiling like a storm. "For two years, I barely slept, I barely ate...I ignored everything and everyone else and poured all my energy into this one goal. I did things I'm not proud of. I did things..." his voice wavered, nearly broke, and he shuddered, "...I did things my parents would have despised me for. And…"

Kurapika pressed his fingers to his forehead, took a deep breath. "I can't take it back, any of it. By the time I looked up and realized this wouldn't fix anything, I was in too deep to turn back. Melody was gone, Basho was gone, and I had compromised so much of what I once believed I barely recognized myself anymore. It all just slipped through my fingers. I wanted...I wanted to stop, but I _couldn't,_ because there was nothing else _._ "

Kurapika inhaled, deep and shaky, feeling like a dam had broken somewhere deep inside and everything that he'd held hard and hot in his heart was spilling out, faster and faster, "I kept going. I kept going until I'd found all the eyes I could find, and then I held a funeral for them. That's what I was doing, you know. When Gon was in the hospital."

"Kurapika..." Leorio's face fell, something like guilt flashing in his dark eyes; Kurapika knew what he was thinking: _"Busy. You're always busy. That's your excuse for everything..."_

"I was so sure I would feel better. But I...I didn't feel better," Kurapika whispered, and somehow that was so hard to admit out loud, it hurt so _much_ , to want something so badly, only to have it all thrown in his face like cold grease, "I just felt so _empty._ How do you learn to be happy again when everything feels like a waste of time?"

Leorio lowered his head, and Kurapika caught a glimmer of wetness in his eyes; it surprised him so see, that it was hurting Leorio almost as bad to hear this as it was for Kurapika to say. He reached for his friend's shoulder, trying to — he didn't even know. Comfort him? It seemed like such a cruel joke, because he'd never been particularly good at comforting people, and he was the reason why Leorio was so distressed in the first place.

Lately, it felt like everything he did was a joke: poor little Kurapika, rattling his chains and posturing like such a big shot, when in reality all he'd done was alienate his friends and nearly destroy himself in the process.

"I'm sorry," Kurapika said; the words felt stiff and disingenuous, filled with all the things he either couldn't say or had no words for _: I'm sorry to dump all this on you, I'm sorry I was so blind, I'm sorry I never answered your calls, I'm sorry, because you're such a good person, and you wasted all this time trying to reach out to me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

"Don't apologize," Leorio replied, his voice gruff with emotion. He cleared his throat and continued: "Damn it Kurapika, you should have answered my calls. I'll forgive you just this one time, but if you _ever_ pull a disappearin' act on me like that again, I'm...I'm... _I'm kicking your gloomy ass!_ I mean it!"

Kurapika blinked, surprise and amusement making him smile. Leorio was gazing off to one side; his cheeks were tinged with pink, and he was wearing the sulky frown he always wore whenever he was embarrassed, yet trying to act tough.

"After the way I conducted myself? I wouldn't blame you at all," Kurapika said, his smile broadening into a brief grin. Then it faded, replaced by an expression of soft regret. "Actually, I...I figured, after all that, maybe I would try to...I don't know. Make myself more available, be a better friend. That's why I decided to come to Gon's birthday birthday tonight."

"We were all surprised to see you," Leorio admitted, glancing up at him. "I thought I was dreaming."

"I could tell," Kurapika arched a brow, and added: "You dropped your plate."

"Tch. Whatever, shut up."

"If it makes you feel any better, it was a bad idea," Kurapika murmured, earning a startled glance from Leorio. "I wasn't ready for...how much things had changed. I don't really know what I was expecting, whether it was my own arrogance or…" Kurapika shrugged. "Everyone has gotten along just fine without me. Gon and Killua have both gotten so _big_ , and you're doing so well in medical school, and...here I am."

A laugh, sad and weary, punctured that observation. "Stagnating. You were all so bright and happy and I had nothing to show for myself save more blood under my fingernails and the same old weak excuses. Even worse, you all welcomed me back like nothing had ever happened, but I...I couldn't handle it. I was jealous."

"Jealous?" Leorio repeated, genuinely shocked. "Kurapika, you have no reason —"

"— to be jealous?" Kurapika finished, keenly aware of just how much he was putting himself out there, tearing down all his carefully constructed facades one by one. "But I was. And I do. Leorio, you're dedicating your life to a noble goal. In a few more years, you're going to be helping people, saving lives. Gon and Killua, they found themselves, they found love."

Something wrenched in Kurapika's face, so fleeting Leorio barely caught it: despair and a fierce, almost maternal pride in his friends, a longing for things he thought out of his reach.

"I was way out of line," he whispered. "I don't even know what I was arguing for; I just wanted to attack something, anything...Leorio, I'm a terrible person, I…"

"Shut _up_ ," Leorio hissed, cutting him off, and then Leorio was hugging him again, so fiercely it took Kurapika's breath away.

"You're not a terrible person," Leorio murmured, smoothing back his hair. "I don't ever want to hear you say that again, _ever_ , you hear me? You're an amazin' person, my favorite person in the whole world."

"Leorio…" Kurapika mumbled, hugging him back, trying to convey with actions what he couldn't seem to spell out with words: _Thank you, Leorio. Thank you for never giving up on me._

"Pika..." Leorio leaned away and cupped his face, his expression serious and thoughtful, "I'll never know what it's like to live through the kind of trauma you've lived through. But I do know a little somethin' about dealing with grief. And I just want you to know that it gets better. I know that sounds like such a dumb fuckin' cliché, but…"

"It does," Kurapika admitted, smiling ruefully, his cheeks practically lost in Leorio's palms. Leorio mirrored his smile.

"But trust me on this," Leorio said, gently running his thumbs across his cheekbones. "It. Gets. _Better_. And, y'know what else?"

"Mm, no. What?" Kurapika asked, and all around him the world seemed to be both drawing in and fading out, until nothing existed for him but this room and this bed and Leorio's eyes and his hands, so _warm_. He felt safe, but most of all he felt _light_ , clean, like he'd purged himself of something poisonous; nothing was solved, but somehow everything felt like it might turn out alright after all.

"Just because I got along without you doesn't mean I didn't miss you like hell," Leorio said, grinning from ear to ear. "Stubborn prick."

"I missed you too, Leorio," Kurapika replied, and he meant it, every word. "Honestly...it's so hard to think about the future, but if you say it gets better, then...I believe you. It means a lot, coming from you." He paused, then added: "Money whore."

Leorio chuckled, then laughed, the sound a low, dulcet rumble; Kurapika could hear the relief in it, the fondness.

"Ah, Leorio?" Kurapika said, blushing a little. He had no idea why he was mentioning this, but suddenly he couldn't keep it to himself: "I saved them. All your messages, I mean. Whenever I felt down, I would listen to them, one after another. It helped."

"I...shit. Really?" Leorio asked, his eyes filled with wonder. Then he winced. "Even the drunk dials?"

" _Especially_ the drunk dials," Kurapika confirmed, stifling a laugh. "You have an amazing singing voice after you've had six beers."

"Erg," Leorio looked so ashamed, Kurapika couldn't help darting forward to plant a very quick kiss on his cheek, the surface stubbly under his lips; it was pure impulse, but nothing had ever seemed so right or appropriate. He didn't think about it because he didn't _have_ to, and he didn't regret it. Leorio's look of pure shock was unexpected.

"What?" Kurapika demanded, shooting Leorio an unimpressed sidelong glance. "I assure you, I don't have cooties. You don't have to stare like your face is going to dissolve."

"It's not that," Leorio replied, sounding vague and distracted, before he darted forward — taking Kurapika so thoroughly by surprise he arched away, falling back against the quilt. Suddenly Leorio was looming over him, his muscular arms caging him in on either side of his head, and the look in his brown eyes was _smoldering_. The room was filled with an odd tension that wasn't uncomfortable or awkward or violent; Kurapika couldn't _describe_ it, except suddenly it felt like all the cosmos was holding its breath — and he was, too.

Then Leorio blinked, once, twice.

"Uh," he said, leaping up. "You know what would be awesome right now? Ice cream, yep."

Kurapika exhaled, feeling...what? Disappointed? Anxious? He didn't even know, except he couldn't get those smoldering eyes out of his head, and his heart was beating just a little too fast. He sat up and scooted away, hoping his face wasn't _actually_ as red as he thought it was.

"Um, yes. Ice cream. Sure, good idea," he babbled. "Leorio, if you're running downstairs for that, could please bring me some headache powder?"

"Headache powder. Hm-hmm, yep, ab-so-lutely. Yeah, uh. Be right back." Leorio said, backing toward the exit at an alarming pace, before he turned and practically fled from the room, slamming the door behind him.


	5. Chapter 5

Leorio wanted to go back in there.

 

He _wanted_ to, but he honestly had no idea what would happen if he stayed. So he forced himself to leave, heading down the hall on legs that suddenly felt weak and brittle as old toothpicks, and shunned the elevator in favor of taking the stairs. By the time he reached the lobby, empty save for a sleepy-eyed receptionist, he'd regained enough control of himself to think: _Shit, I forgot my jacket._

This thought was followed by a second realization, far more upsetting: _I'm an idiot._

Leorio pinched the bridge of his nose, shuddering in a combination of frustration and self-disgust. He heard the receptionist stir behind him, and then her voice tip-toed into the silence: "...Sir? Are you okay?" She sounded genuinely concerned, and Leorio really couldn't blame her.

"O-oh...yeah, I'm fine!" Leorio replied, smiling wanly, before he hurried on his way, across the inn's cozy lobby and out the decorative double-doors and into the night. He was immediately caught up in a freezing wind, heavy with the scent of rain, and paused for a moment under a bright circle of light cast by a nearby streetlamp.

Collecting himself was surprisingly difficult, but then again, _everything_ was surprisingly difficult when it came to Kurapika. It was sad to say, but he had been royally screwed from the moment he laid eyes on the blond.

"Ice cream. Of all the dumb excuses..." Leorio muttered, reaching into the pocket of his slacks for his lighter and a well-worn pack of cigarettes. He rarely smoked these days; smoking reminded him of places he'd rather forget, of feeling ignored and being hungry and so, so poor, back when he probably would have laughed in someone's face if they told him he would be attending medical school one day.

But Leorio always carried a pack on him, even if he ended up giving the whole box away one cigarette at a time — it was memento, that was all, like the teashade sunglasses he wore and the all pictures he kept on his desk and every love letter he'd saved. Kurapika had been right about one thing during their argument: he _was_ sentimental, ridiculously so.

And Kurapika was...not. Leorio chuckled mirthlessly, exhaling a thin plume of smoke. He couldn't blame him for that, for being practical to a fault. It wasn't that Kurapika was heartless — Leorio suspected his emotions ran canyon-deep — but Kurapika was a master of willful self-deception, and there was a world of difference between what he _felt_ and how he _acted_. There was no room for mawkishness, for weakness, for second-guessing on the path Kurapika had chosen, and oh, it wasn't _fair_ , because he was slowly killing himself trying to right a wrong that hadn't even been his fault to begin with. Kurapika was just trying to pick up the pieces, as best he could, the only way he knew how. It was more than anyone deserved to bear alone.

Leorio thought about Kurapika's eyes, the way he finally smiled through his tears, the soft press of his lips against his cheek...and shivered again, in a way that had nothing to do with the cold.

He was...he was _hopelessly_ in love with Kurapika.

Leorio sighed, tossing his half-smoked cigarette into a watery gutter at his feet, where it fizzled and immediately floated away.

He always figured he would get over him, eventually, especially after Kurapika stopped taking his calls. But it had been two long years, and not a day had gone by when he hadn't thought of him, hadn't wanted him back in his life. Maybe he'd been trying too hard, reaching out with too much desperation, but _fuck_ , he couldn't help it. It was _Kurapika_. Leorio knew how stubborn could get, how contradictory he could be, how easily he fell into depression; Kurapika was a puzzle he could happily spend the rest of his life trying to figure out. Leorio hadn't wanted to _lose_ him, because he valued their friendship — but mixed in with that was so much _love_ ; Leorio wanted to be his friend _and_ his significant other, he wanted to share his dreams and make him laugh and make love to him nice and slow…

Oh. Right. Leorio blushed, nervously loosening his tie. He was emotionally _and_ sexually attracted to Kurapika, with everything that entailed. It had been years since he'd felt this strongly about anyone, but it was hard not to feel like anything other than a selfish _coward_. Leorio loved Kurapika so, _so_ much, but he was terrified of spoiling what they already had by telling him. He had no idea how Kurapika would react if he did, and _gods_ , that's what worried him.

What if...what if things became awkward, afterward?

Leorio swallowed. Maybe...maybe he was overthinking this. After all, what was wrong with telling someone you loved them? He certainly wasn't expecting Kurapika to return his feelings, hell, he wasn't expecting _anything_. Kurapika was his own person, and Leorio was determined to be his friend no matter what. It would only be awkward if he _let_ it be.

"It won't be awkward," Leorio muttered to himself, his brown eyes flashing with determination behind his shades, even though he couldn't have looked more awkward if he tried, standing under a street lamp talking to himself in the middle of the night.

Everyone deserved to know that there was someone out there who loved them — and call him a sappy fool, but he thought Kurapika _really_ needed to know. And Leorio wanted to tell him, he wanted to look Pika in his gorgeous brown eyes and let him know that he was his friend and he _loved_ him, and nothing would ever change that. Leorio was tired of pretending otherwise.

And if things never progressed beyond a friendship between them, well...that was perfectly fine! Kurapika didn't owe him anything, least of all a romantic relationship, and that was _fine_. Being Kurapika's friend was one of the best things that had ever happened to him, and he was going to damn well cherish it. Yeah, unrequited love sucked. Leorio wasn't stupid enough to pretend it wouldn't hurt like hell, but he was a big boy, and he would deal with the pain. But if, by some small chance, Kurapika felt the same way…

 _Don't be a dummy,_ Leorio scolded himself. _Of course he doesn't. Why would he?_

But what if he _did_. Leorio bit his lip, then shook his head with an aggravated huff. No use getting his hopes up. He would definitely tell him. But...maybe not tonight. He'd had enough fraught emotional exchanges for one evening.

Leorio checked his watch. It wasn't that late — only 9pm — but Whale Island wasn't exactly known for its exciting nightlife. If he wanted to get that ice cream, he needed to get on with it already. It would look awfully strange he crept back to their room empty-handed.

 _Kurapika asked for headache power…_ Right. He mustn't forget that.

 _You know what's good for headaches?_ a voice piped up in his head, sly, the voice of every naughty thought he'd ever had: _Orgasms. Orgasms are_ _totally_ _good for headaches. You could help Kurapika out with that..._

"Arrggg!" Leorio groaned, running his hands down his heated face. The nearest convenience store was two miles up the road, and the wind had picked up again, chilling him to the bone, but Leorio really didn't mind.

He needed some time to cool off. 

 

_________________________________

 

Kurapika wasn't prepared for how cold and lonely this room would feel without Leorio. The silence, coupled with the sudden solitude, was just a little too much, too soon after tonight's emotional blow-out.

 

Kurapika frowned, then swung himself off the bed, padding quietly across the room to turn on the TV. There was a strange movie about a forbidden love affair between two rival hunters playing, overwrought and eye-rollingly melodramatic. Kurapika watched for a moment or two, caught between disgust and amusement (why were sex scenes in movies always so incredibly unappealing?), before flipping over to the news. The anchor's low, droning voice filled the room, ticking off particulars of the weather, and he listened for a bit before glancing away. Kurapika needed the background noise. It helped. Not enough, but at least now he wouldn't feel quite so _isolated_.

He hoped Leorio wouldn't take too long.

Kurapika turned in a half-circle, looking for — _what?_ Nothing significant. He felt oddly restless, but there was nothing to do except wait, and he'd never been the type of person who liked having an excessive amount of free time on his hands. He needed tasks, distractions, he liked to work. Work was good. When he was working, he didn't have to think about how much his parents wouldn't have wanted this for him, how much he missed the natural beauty of Lusko Province...how much he just wanted to go _home_.

But there _was_ no home, nothing waiting for him except a graveyard.

Kurapika sighed, plopping down on the foxbear fur rug at his feet. It was ridiculously soft, and he dragged his fingers through the shag, absentmindedly listening to the wind soughing against the windowpane. Working meant he hadn't had to think about what came next, and maybe _that_ was part of the problem.

 _What now?_ It was a terrifying question. Kurapika had made plans for just about everything else, but when it came to his own future, he drew a complete blank. The "future" had always seemed like such a meaningless concept to him, something to be figured with _after_ he dealt with the Phantom Troupe and _after_ he found the scarlet eyes and _after_ he had taken control of the mafia. So many afters. But he was damn near twenty years old, and none of his plans had worked out the way he thought they would, so what now? Give up? There were still a few scarlet eyes floating out there somewhere, and Kurapika was determined to get them back, no matter what. And he would be lying if he said the thought of letting the rest of the Troupe go unpunished didn't leave a taste like cold ashes in his mouth...but what then? Was he going to keep working for Nostrade for the rest of his life?

Admittedly, he had become the boss of the Nostrade crime syndicate in everything but title, so he only "worked" for Neon and her father by the loosest definition, but...is that really what he wanted to do? From the beginning, his position as a bodyguard had been a carefully calculated move, a means to an end, but he had thrown himself into the lifestyle so whole-heartedly Kurapika wasn't sure he _could_ just drop everything and leave, even if he wanted to. His hands were hardly clean. Kurapika hadn't wanted to think about it, before, but now…

_Some of the stuff I've done makes me a criminal. There's no getting around that._

Kurapika shivered. He wondered if Leorio would still think of him as his favorite person, if he knew. He hoped so.

_Leorio…_

Leorio said it would get better. And Kurapika wanted to believe him, but it was hard to be optimistic when he couldn't even remember what he used to do for fun. He hadn't read a book in years, and his old tabard was hanging up the closet of his Yorknew City apartment, right along with his bokken sword. It was almost as if putting on that suit had been a final act of assimilation.

Maybe he just needed a break. Some time to think, figure out who he was, who he _really_ was; Kurapika was so tired of letting his pain define him. It wouldn't be hard to swing a vacation. Hell, he'd earned enough money by this point to take the damn whole year off if he wanted to. And then…

Kurapika swallowed. He could hardly expect to impose on his friends. Gon and Killua had spent the entire evening glancing longingly at each other, and he would be lying if he said something poignant hadn't come to him as he watched Killua gather up enough courage to kiss Gon on the cheek, right before he leaned down to blow out the candles on his homemade cake, a needle-sharp stab of feelings so thickly intertwined Kurapika could barely tell one from the other: sadness-envy-happiness, all rolled into one.

He would always be their friend, but right now Kurapika couldn't think of anything more humiliating than playing third wheel to two boys who were like younger brothers to him. So _that_ was out.

As for Leorio…

Kurapika blinked, realization smacking him in the face. He knew Leorio was going to medical school, but that was about it. Kurapika honestly had no idea how Leorio had been getting along, what he'd been doing in his spare time since they'd last seen each other. And he had to have been doing _something_ ; not even medical school was 24/7. Besides, Leorio was a boisterous people-person. There would have been tons of new acquaintances for him — classmates, professors...maybe even a girlfriend or two.

Kurapika bit his lip, hard enough to taste a flat, coppery tang on his tongue. He would know these things if only he had picked up his phone, but he'd always been too _afraid_. It had always seemed like such a terrible thing to admit, because his pride wouldn't let him: _Leorio, I didn't answer your calls because I was afraid, because I was so ashamed of myself, because part of me didn't think you'd understand._

Truth be told, he didn't think Leorio would ever _truly_ understand. But Leorio had forgiven him anyway; apparently, his heart was as big as ever. It took Kurapika a moment to realize he was smiling — and when he did, he blushed, quickly wiping the smile off his face, even though there was no one around to see.

_Where is Leorio, anyway?_

Kurapika frowned, worry tugging at him. It shouldn't take _this_ long to get ice cream. He stood, feeling restless again, and spied Leorio's jacket draped over the back of the couch, along with his briefcase and Kurapika's own worn gray tote bag. Kurapika frowned harder, wandering over to pick up Leorio's dark blue blazer. Leorio had forgotten his jacket, and it was very cold outside.

"Of all the idiotic things…" Kurapika mumbled, shaking his head. He really hoped Leorio would be okay without it.

Ugh, his head was _killing_ him. His face felt grainy and splotchy, and he was so, _so_ tired, too keenly aware of all the things that were wrong or missing or broken in his life. There was no use wishing he could go back to the person he was before the deaths of his family and friends — for better or worse, that little boy was gone forever. So he had no choice but to live for today, discover the possibilities in all his tomorrows.

A vacation, yes...that would be _wonderful_. And then maybe he could spend an afternoon talking to Leorio about...whatever it was he was going to do next. Leorio said it would get _better_ , and Leorio never said anything he didn't mean. He was like Gon in that way, so damn honest and open and sincere, traits Kurapika had always secretly appreciated.

Kurapika sighed, wearily burying his face in Leorio's jacket, breathing in…

_...what am I doing?_

He stopped, the thought drawing him up short, his heart jumping erratically in his chest. He felt warm, _too_ warm, but the sensation wasn't exactly unpleasant. In fact, it was almost like the feeling he got when he…

Oh no. Kurapika dropped Leorio's jacket and backed away like he'd just committed a crime, his mouth going dry.

 _Stop thinking about him. Now!_ Kurapika sternly ordered himself, but it was a futile effort, because suddenly he couldn't _stop_. An image of Leorio's face floated through his mind, flushed and determined, blocking him from escaping into the bathroom. He thought of Leorio's big, warm hands on his face, the kindness in his eyes, how the moment before they embraced had felt blue and infinite and _safe_ , despite his own wretched feelings.

Even in Kurapika's darkest, most pessimistic moments, Leorio had been there, leaving messages for him: sometimes calling him out on his absence, sometimes begging him to come home, sometimes just to confess that he had been thinking of him. Drunk messages, angry messages, silly messages, wistful messages. And Kurapika had saved them all, just to hear his _voice._

 _Damn it._ He must have been hopelessly naive, really good at lying to himself, or some combination of both not to realize that Leorio had always been the exception to the rule, the only person he had ever trusted this much. If Gon and Killua had been here, he probably would have rebuffed them out of habit and spite, but Leorio had seen him at his worst, and still insisted that he was his favorite person.

Kurapika pressed his hands to his chest, trying to calm his racing heart, for all the good that did. He felt unbalanced, vulnerable, _confused_ , completely taken off guard by this sudden rush of tingling warmth. He wasn't sure if he wanted — well. _Any_ of this, really. Like the future, it was scary and unfamiliar, and every rational thought and self-defense mechanism told him he should ignore it, push Leorio away like all the rest. But…

But he was so, _so_ tired of letting pain define him. Kurapika exhaled, picking Leorio's jacket up off the floor, fondly running his fingers over the smooth material.

 _Honestly. This couldn't have come at a worse time,_ Kurapika mused, with a wry a smile on his face. He wasn't sure what any of this meant, or where it would lead. Did it matter, really?

Maybe...maybe the best thing he could do right now was to give himself permission to be unsure, and figure it out along the way.

_Leorio still isn't back?_

He wasn't, but Kurapika refused to let it worry him. He plopped down on the couch, turning his gaze thoughtfully to the television, and forced himself to wait patiently. But the room was cold and lonely, and it was surprisingly difficult.

 

_________________________________

 

"Aaa — _ACHOOO!_ Guh…"

 

Leorio paused in the middle of the hall, clutching half a dozen grocery bags in one hand and wiping his nose with the other, hoping his explosive sneeze hadn't disturbed anyone else on this floor. His hair was wind-tousled and his fingers had gone numb, but he'd made it back relatively dry and in one piece — and not a moment too soon, either. A thunderstorm had been biding its time off the coast of Whale Island, clouds rolling in like high tide. Judging from the deep, threatening rumbles, it was going to be a _bad_ one.

Leorio shivered, before hurrying on, genuinely looking forward to spending the rest of the night curled up on some lumpy old couch watching bad television — and even though he said he wouldn't get his hopes up, Leorio couldn't help thinking how nice it would be if he could convince Kurapika to join him. _Kurapika…_

Leorio paused again outside the door of their suite, cursing under his breath, juggling bags as he fumbled the room key out his pocket. But Kurapika flung the door open before he could use it, then proceeded to glare balefully up at him, his big brown eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly.

Leorio blinked, his heart firmly lodging itself in his throat, hopelessly captivated by the sight. Kurapika was _beautiful_. It was one of the first things Leorio had noticed about him, even before he knew his name.

"It's about time," Kurapika snapped crossly, reaching out to relieve him of a bag or two, without bothering to ask if Leorio actually needed the help or not. He seemed oddly flustered, his cheeks tinged with pink, but maybe that was only because he was annoyed.

"H-how did you know I was here?" Leorio asked, quickly recovering from his stupor.

"How could I _not_ know, the way you were tromping down the hall?" Kurapika replied, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, what took you so long? Did you have to make that ice cream yourself?"

"M-maybe I did! What, you angry at me or somethin'?" Leorio asked, genuinely curious.

Kurapika flushed a little, stepping aside to let him through. "No," he muttered, "I'm not mad. But you've been gone for almost an hour, and I was —" The Kurta's flush deepened, his eyes drifting guiltily to the floor. "N-nevermind! Would you _please_ be a quicker about it next time?"

"Okay, okay, sheesh!" Leorio grumbled, crossing the room to deposit the rest of his bags on the coffee table, before straightening up, opening and closing his hands to encourage blood back into the freezing digits. Kurapika sighed, closing the door behind him.

"Gods, it's colder than a witch's coo — err." Leorio shot a quick, conciliatory glance in Kurapika's direction. "Colder than a witch's... _couch_ , I mean," he amended lamely. "Anyway, I'm sorry it took me so long. But look!"

Leorio dove into the nearest bag and pulled out a small vial, which he waved triumphantly. "I got your headache powder!"

Kurapika's lips quirked up at the corners, brief and unexpectedly warm. "Thank you, Leorio. But what's all this?"

"Oh, uh. Y-yeah, I went on a little shopping spree," Leorio admitted, self-consciously rubbing the back of his neck. Kurapika resisted the urge to rifle through the bags in his hands (it would be rude to go through someone else's purchases) and set them down on the coffee table instead, curiously watching Leorio pull one item out after another.

"When I got to the convenience store, I realized I had no idea what kind of ice cream you liked," Leorio began glancing at him shyly. "So I spent, like, _ten_ minutes trying to decide, and then I remembered Killua giving you a piece of his candy bar one time, s-so I got rocky road. It's peanuts and chocolate and marshmallow — is that okay?"

"That's perfectly fine," Kurapika replied, resisting the urge to laugh, imagining Leorio painstakingly weighing the pros and cons of each flavor. In truth, Kurapika didn't have much of a taste for sweets. He'd only accepted that bite of candy because Killua had insisted.

"So then I got your headache powder," Leorio continued excitedly, "and I thought you might be a little dehydrated, so I grabbed a couple bottles of water, a bag of these spicy chips I like, and a pack of cigarettes. I was about to leave, but then I noticed they had ramen!"

"Ramen?" Kurapika repeated doubtfully.

"Not just _any_ ramen. My absolute _favorite_ brand of ramen," Leorio said, thrusting a colorful little box under his nose. "Ta-da! You know how long I've been tryin' to find this stuff? This particular brand went off the market in my city for some reason, but they totally had it here! I couldn't resist buying a couple of boxes."

"A _couple_?" Kurapika eyed the other grocery bags. Leorio had bought at least fifty, maybe more. "What in the world is so special about this, Leorio?"

Leorio sniffed, wounded. "This stuff is the real deal, okay? Most instant brands are totally gross, but _this_...it's fuckin' heavenly, okay? Full, robust flavor, real vegetables, lotsa noodles...eatin' one of these is like having a party in your mouth! Not that you've ever _been_ to one, but trust me on this."

Kurapika arched a brow. His voice was deadpan: " _Really_. How long did it take you to come up with _that_ lame joke, hm?"

"What? You think I spend my free time thinkin' of witty things to say to make you laugh? 'Cause I don't. This is _au naturel_ ," Leorio bragged, and his voice was teasing, but his eyes said something wholly different; they said he meant every word. Kurapika saw this, and glanced away again, his face growing warm.

"I'm a stressed-out, struggling college student," Leorio added, crossing muscular arms. "This stuff is my bread and butter."

"I'm not arguing," Kurapika replied mildly, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. "I just...can't believe you bought all these boxes of ramen."

"It's my favorite," Leorio pouted.

"...and spent ten minutes trying to decide what kind of ice cream I liked. You _do_ realize you could have called and asked."

"H-hey! Maybe I wanted to surprise you! It was an extremely nerve-wracking decision, alright? There were a lot of flavors to choose from. Like, _a lot_."

Kurapika pressed two knuckles to lips, stifling a laugh. "Leorio...you're an idiot."

Leorio pouted again, but he could hardly find it in him to be annoyed by the insult. Especially when Kurapika looked so _happy_ , relaxed and smiling. Leorio fidgeted, biting his lip to keep from doing something stupid — like lean down and kiss him.

"Hmph! Kurapika, you're so cruel. This is the thanks I get for risking my neck out there?" he whined.

"Oh hush, you big baby," Kurapika replied, snatching the vial out of his hands. "I said I was grateful. And since you went to all this trouble, we better eat that ice cream before it melts." Kurapika's face softened as he smiled. "I hope you picked up some spoons."

 

_________________________________

 

They took turns eating ice cream out of the container, Kurapika taking only the daintiest of bites, Leorio struggling with brain freeze every few minutes.

 

Neither of them said much, and Kurapika couldn't really tell if it was because they were preoccupied or because there was nothing to talk about. The former seemed like a much more likely explanation, because there was _plenty_ Kurapika wanted to say — but every time he opened his mouth, a kind of nervous reluctance would seal his vocal cords, and the words would remain unsaid. When he left Lusko Province for the last time, Kurapika promised himself that he would never get close to anyone — and, until that fateful meeting with Gon and Leorio on a storm-tossed boat headed for the Hunter's Exam, he had kept his promise, shunning all companionship.

Needless to say, Kurapika wasn't exactly the best at making idle conversation.

So he kept quiet, busying himself with watching Leorio eat, stealthy as a spy in his observations, marveling at all the little things he'd always been too busy to notice. Leorio was still in _very_ good shape, the muscles in his arms straining against the fabric of his shirt whenever he reached for something, but he looked a little skinnier, a little paler, and his black hair had grown some. He had swapped out his small, round shades for a pair of thin, square-framed reading glasses, and Kurapika couldn't help but think how they make Leorio look even older than he already did, more dignified somehow. He was still sporting his trademark patchy scruff, and there were freckles scattered across the bridge of his nose, very light, but absolutely there.

Leorio was a very handsome man. Kurapika had always known this, but in an abstract sort of way, the same way he'd known that roses smelled good; Leorio's attractiveness had no bearing on his life. But Kurapika couldn't help noticing now, really _seeing_ him for the first time ever — not his brash friend, or Gon's honoree father, or the weirdo who recorded messages into his answering machine at odd hours; there were no filters, no safe little labels, just _Leorio._

His eyes rather liked what he saw. The realization filled Kurapika with mild, slightly amused panic. It wasn't that he'd never found anyone attractive before, because he _had_ , plenty of times, but this was the first time he had felt any desire to act on his attraction.

All things considered, Leorio wasn't exactly the most ideal person to pin all these long-buried affections on. Gender had never played an especially important role in his life — or in his interactions with others, for that matter — but much as he would have liked to think Leorio wouldn't care either, Kurapika knew it just didn't _work_ like that. Kurapika was many things — an _experience_ , if you will — but he most certainly did not have a huge rack. And Leorio seemed to like those.

Suddenly, Kurapika felt a little ill. The container was almost empty, anyway; Kurapika carefully set his spoon aside, leaving the rest to Leorio, and nervously ran his tongue over his lips before murmuring: "Ah...Leorio?"

"Mm?" Leorio replied, scraping up the last chocolatey bits.

"How have...uh…I mean, w-what have…" Kurapika floundered, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water, overwhelmed by all the things he wanted to say: _Leorio, how have you been? What have you been up to? How is college? How is your family? Tell me about you, tell me what you're thinking, tell me if you're seeing someone, tell me another one of your lame jokes. Just talk to me,_ _please_ _, because you're so important to me, and I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it; I'm trying to learn how to live for myself again, so you'll have to bear with me._

Oh, gods. If he said all that, Leorio would probably think he'd finally gone off the deep end.

"Kurapika, what's wrong?" Leorio asked, laughingly pressing the back of his hand to Kurapika's cheek. "Your face is all red. You runnin' a fever, or somethin'? I have some ibuprofen in my briefcase if you need it."

Kurapika couldn't help it, he flinched away, Leorio's touch too much for him to handle right now. "No! I mean, _no_ , I'm fine. It's not that."

Leorio cocked an eye at him, dubious. "...So…?"

"I was just," Kurapika hastened to explain, wringing the hem of his tabard between his fingers, "ah...what do you think Gon and Killua are doing right now?"

Leorio blinked, clearly as startled by the question as he was by the tone of voice in which Kurapika had asked it, so cheerful he sounded like he was trying out for a game show. Kurapika forced himself to appear calm — he could hardly take the words back now — but inside, he was dying a very slow, extremely embarrassing death. _Ugh, what on earth is wrong with me?_

"Gon and Killua," Leorio repeated slowly, his lips twitching at the corners, looking very suspiciously like he was trying not to grin, "whelp. If I had to take a wild guess...Gon's probably screwing Killua through his mattress right now."

If Kurapika had been drinking anything, he would have choked.

" _L-Leorio_!" he sputtered, indignant, but Leorio simply laughed, throwing his hands up in surrender.

"Hey, you know it's true! You saw how they were lookin' at each other tonight."

"Yes, but you don't have to put it so — so —"

"Bluntly?" Leorio supplied, trying to be helpful. Kurapika glared at him. "Oh c'mon, Pika...Gon and Killua have been in love with each other for years. Even _you_ know that. Honestly, I'm surprised they waited this long."

Kurapika caught his bottom lip between his teeth, gnawing...but he had to admit, Leorio was absolutely correct. From the beginning, Gon and Killua's camaraderie had impressed him as being something rare and precious, a once-in-a-lifetime meeting between two people who had very clearly been meant for each other.

He and Leorio had _never_ fit together so well, Kurapika reflected ruefully.

"Still," Kurapika said after a moment, "that...really isn't something I want to picture."

"Hey, how do you think _I_ feel?" Leorio whined, frowning. "Gon and Killua are like little brothers to me! I just hope they're bein' safe about it, y'know?"

"Don't you think they're a little young to be...to be having —" Kurapika racked his brain for a tame euphemism to use, but once again, Leorio stepped in.

"To be fuckin' each other?"

"I was _going_ to say having relations," Kurapika hissed. "Honestly, _must_ you be so vulgar?"

"Jeez," Leorio muttered, rolling his eyes. "If I waited for you to sugar-coat every little thing, we'd never finish a conversation. And I dunno, _maybe?_ I mean, they're fifteen…"

"That's _awfully_ young," Kurapika pointed out.

"You say like like you aren't just four years older," Leorio replied, teasing.

"It's _still_ young," Kurapika insisted, refusing to concede the point.

"Look," Leorio replied, sighing. "If they were normal fifteen year-olds, I'd say _yeah_ , they should wait. But it's _Gon_ and _Killua_. They ain't normal." Leorio chuckled, then shrugged. " 'Sides, I was younger than they are when I had sex the first time. It's all relative, yeah?"

 _O-oh._ Kurapika carefully averted his eyes, feeling ridiculously flustered, his mouth too dry, his heart beating too fast, his body too warm, _nothing_ that he was used to; gods, if this is what infatuation was, he was pretty sure it was a horrible disease.

But after a moment, Kurapika found himself stammering out a question.

"How...how w-was it? Your first time, I m-mean."


	6. Chapter 6

"How...how w-was it? Your first time, I m-mean."

 

"My first time?" Leorio repeated, glancing up at Kurapika with an expression filled with clueless innocence. "My first time doing what?"

Kurapika bit his lip, wringing his hands in his lap, and Leorio watched in awed fascination as a blush began to creep over his cheeks, tinging his fair skin a lovely shade of pink. A sudden and _extremely_ awkward silence fell between them, every bit as uncomfortable as a wet blanket thrown over his shoulders. Leorio couldn't help wondering what he had done to ruin the mood.

"...Somethin' wrong?" Leorio asked, self-consciously rubbing the back of his neck.

Kurapika opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking a bit like a goldfish that had been scooped out of its bowl. Leorio would have been tempted to make fun of him if it hadn't been for the sheer panic in his eyes, and the fact that his face was now the most alarming — and adorable — shade of red. The Kurta seemed to be at a complete loss for words, and that only deepened Leorio's confusion, because it wasn't like him at all; Kurapika _always_ had something to say, some dry remark or brilliant observation or useless factoid spat out at lightning-speed, the verbal equivalent of someone throwing a book at you. For someone who claimed to hate small talk, Kurapika had never been afraid to let anyone know what he thought.

Clearly, not now. It wasn't until Kurapika began to stammer that Leorio put two and two together, wincing at his own stupidity.

"O-oh! You mean, my first time —" Leorio made a quick, lewd gesture, which only made Kurapika blush harder, before he dropped his head into his waiting palm with an embarrassed sigh.

Leorio winced again. So much for improving the mood. "U-uh...well..."

"You don't..." Kurapika swallowed, hard, slowly lowering his hand. He looked like someone desperately clinging to their last shred of dignity. "You don't have to answer that."

"But I —"

"It was extremely rude of me to ask such a personal question. Please," Kurapika bowed, prim and proper, "forgive my indiscretion."

"Gods, Pika, you don't have to be so formal!" Leorio cried, alarmed. "Look, I —"

" _No_. I know we're friends, but there's no excuse —"

" _Kurapika_." Leorio hissed, exasperated. He reached out, grasped the blonde by his shoulders and shook him a little, plaintive. Kurapika immediately went still and silent, his brown eyes widening by fractions.

"Will you hush?" Leorio murmured. His tanned face split into a broad grin as he added: "It's _okay_ , really. I don't mind telling you."

"You...you don't?" Kurapika whispered, and Leorio could see relief in his eyes, mingled up with a good deal of apprehension. But he honestly couldn't say what Kurapika might have been feeling apprehensive about, so he simply shrugged and smiled, releasing Kurapika's shoulders only to give him a gentle flick on the forehead. Kurapika withdrew in surprise, his brows coming together in a wrathful, offended glare.

" _Excuse_ you," he snapped.

"You're excused," Leorio replied, chuckling. "And _no_ , I don't mind. If it was anyone else, I'd prrrobably be a little put off right now. But it's you." Leorio leaned back on his haunches, his expression softening. "So. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is...you can ask me anythin', Pika."

Kurapika nodded, once. It was a little stiff, a little unsure, but it was _real_ , and it would be enough for now.

"Sooo," Leorio drawled, waggling his brows. Kurapika glanced up cautiously at the amusement in his tone, "you wanna know about my first time, eh? Kurapika, you _scamp_."

Kurapika pressed two fingers to the side of his head and began massaging his temples, weary annoyance written all over his face.

"((Elders, preserve me,))" he muttered under his breath, before adding: "...why do I suddenly get the feeling I'm going to regret this topic?"

"Awh, don't be like that," Leorio consoled. "I'm just a little surprised, y'know? I didn't think you were interested in sex stuff. I always kinda figured you were above all that."

Kurapika looked up, too sharp and too fast, something wrenching in his expression, pulling it somehow upwards _and_ downwards: hope-resignation-resentment-anger, all playing out at once.

"I wish you wouldn't make those kinds of assumptions about me!" he snarled, the fury behind his words lashing Leorio's face. Leorio blinked, startled, as Kurapika proceeded to stare him down, and then all of a sudden the anger was gone, snuffed out as quickly as the flame on a candle after a single puff of breath.

"Kurapika?" Leorio ventured, his voice soft, tentative.

"I —" Kurapika inhaled, deep and shuddery. "I know I have...a lot of issues. _Gods_ , I suppose that's an understatement, but." Kurapika squared his shoulders. "It's not like I don't want to be close to someone, or don't want to know what that kind of intimacy feels like. I _do_. I just..."

The Kurta huffed, distractedly tucking a lock of his blond hair behind his ear. "...it's complicated. But to hear you say those things...hurts a little."

Well, shit.

 _Bravo, man. Way to make an ass of yourself._ Leorio scrubbed a hand through his hair, mournfully studying Kurapika's profile, hardly daring to _breathe_ , let alone speak. Kurapika's searing honesty was like a direct shot to the chest, and it was more than he was used to, coming from him, yet everything he had ever wanted; just to be _close_ to him, have these kinds of long, frank conversations.

It was almost as if they were making up for lost time.

Leorio hesitated for a split-second, before scooting across the gaudy foxbear rug to plop down beside Kurapika, shifting the empty container of rocky road ice cream out of the way. The Kurta shot him an annoyed sidelong glance, but otherwise, he didn't seem particularly bothered by his closeness. Leorio was absurdly grateful for that.

"Kurapika, I...look. I didn't mean it like that," Leorio began haltingly. "I'm sorry, really. I never meant to hurt your feelings. I'm an idiot."

"You are," Kurapika agreed mildly. His smile took most of the sting out of that comment, lips quirking up just the tiniest bit at the corners.

"I forgive you. Truth be told, I can't really blame you for jumping to conclusions. It's partly my fault, for not being more open. But I meant what I said earlier, about wanting to be a better friend. So, ah…"

Kurapika straightened up, bravely meeting his eyes. "...from now on, I'm going to make every effort to be as honest with you as you've always been with me. I promise."

Leorio hummed noncommittally, feeling warmed right down to his core. Kurapika was gazing up at him, all faint, fond smiles and too-solemn promises, _beautiful_. The space between them felt oddly magnetized, full of warm, restless energy — and it was selfish, so _selfish_ of him, but Leorio couldn't help wondering if Kurapika felt it too, hoping he wasn't the only one hanging on by a thread.

Leorio knew they had gotten off-topic from Kurapika's original question, and he knew he ought to get busy answering that, now — but _gods_ , he had never wanted to kiss someone as badly as he wanted to kiss Kurapika right now, and all he could think as he fixated on the Kurta's lips was how much of a jackass he'd been for assuming Kurapika wouldn't be interested in intimacy. Somehow, keeping Kurapika some remote, untouchable being in his mind had made their separation easier to bear. It was unfair, but it was true.

"...first time, Leorio?"

Leorio blinked, Kurapika's voice coming sharply back into focus. "Eh?"

Kurapika gave him an odd look.

"I was saying," he carefully rephrased, "that we can talk about something else if this particular experience makes you uncomfortable."

"Oh! Nah, it wasn't an uncomfortable experience. W-well, I mean it _was_ , but it's not uncomfortable for me to talk about," Leorio clarified. He tucked his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on his folded hands, thinking. Kurapika sat still and waited — and Leorio had to admit, as nice as it was to have Kurapika taking such an interest in him, this was one topic he never thought he'd be discussing.

"Umm...do you remember me telling you about Pietro? During the hunter exam?"

Kurapika blinked. "Yes. He was your childhood friend, correct?" He paused, then added softly: "He passed away."

"Yeah," Leorio murmured, with a touch of old sadness. "But he was more than that. Pietro was, um. My first love. And the first person I ever…" Leorio gestured vaguely, "...y'know. Had _relations_ with."

Kurapika blinked again. "I...oh. But I thought... _o-oh_. That's, um. Well."

" _What?_ "

"It's just…" Kurapika shifted, looking flustered and unbalanced. "I didn't know you liked, ah. That is, I wasn't aware that you were…"

"Bisexual?" Leorio supplied, fighting to keep the grin off his face. For once, Kurapika didn't seem to mind the help. He nodded, short and jerky, prompting Leorio to nudge him in the side.

"You never asked me," he teased.

"Why on _earth_ would I ask you? It never even crossed my mind to suspect such a thing," Kurapika grumbled. "You nearly cost us the exam just to touch someone's breasts. A convicted _felon_ , might I add."

"T-that's a gross exaggeration," Leorio whined. Kurapika huffed in exasperation.

"You were _literally_ reading a men's magazine the first time I met you."

"Well, I..."

"During the Chairman election, you bragged about how many women you take home."

"I didn't _brag_ about it, it just slipped out!" Leorio protested. "Wait — you watched my speech?"

Kurapika gave him _A Look_ , refusing to be distracted. "You chat up every single woman who crosses your path. I've never seen you express the same interest in men, not even _once_."

"Okay, okay," Leorio sighed, slumping a little under the force of Kurapika's stare. "Would you believe me if I said boys make me nervous?"

Kurapika scoffed, glancing away. "You? _Nervous?_ Hardly."

"It's true," Leorio insisted, scooting a little closer. "Look, I'm not gonna lie. Physically, I've always been slightly more attracted to women. Women are fuckin' incredible. But…"

Leorio paused for a moment, considering. When he spoke again, his voice had softened, "...every significant relationship, literally _every_ time I've ever fallen in love, it's been with another man."

"...really?" Kurapika asked, and if Leorio hadn't known better, he would have sworn the Kurta sounded almost wistful.

"Well, yeah. Girls are easy. I know how to talk to girls. Boys freak me out," he smirked, then added: " _Especially_ boys like you."

Kurapika stiffened, incredulity written all over his face, something innocent and disbelieving in his eyes. Leorio couldn't help smiling; sometimes, couldn't believe how hard he had fallen.

"I — _excuse_ me?"

Leorio chuckled. "I've always had a weakness for smart, cute guys who could kick my ass, y'know. And if you hadn't been such a rude little _shit_ the first time we met, I never would have worked up the nerve to talk to ya."

"I —" Kurapika's throat muscles worked as he swallowed, disbelief shifting to sullen irritation. "...shut up."

Leorio chuckled again. "But that's neither here nor there. I'm bi. So now you know."

"...yes. Now I know," Kurapika agreed softly, nibbling on his bottom lip.

"Mm-hm. Anyway, you wanted to know how it was?" Leorio continued, without so much as a beat missed. "Honestly? It might surprise you to learn that I wasn't always the fine, upstandin', _devastatingly_ charming young man you see before you. I used to be somethin' of a punk. And we lived very hard lives. The sort of lives that makes good people do bad things to stay afloat."

Leorio ran his tongue over his lips, contemplative, and though Kurapika said nothing, he could tell by the way the Kurta inclined his head that was listening, all polite intentness.

"Pietro was my friend. He was my confidante. He was the one person I knew I could always count on; bein' with him made everything else tolerable. He was...pretty much my everything, back then. I..." Leorio ran his fingers through the rug beneath him, reliving the memory, his voice dreamy and far-away. "We were fourteen. So I wasn't _that_ much younger than Gon and Killua. But you know how teenage boys are. My hormones were outta control."

"...ah." Kurapika mumbled faintly.

"It started off as just a little kissing. It was summertime, and we were at his house because _my_ house was always so damn crowded. Pietro and I had kissed before. Little makeouts, nothin' serious. But we were alone, and Pietro was my best friend, my first love. I guess you could say our bodies got the best of us."

Leorio smiled, fond. "It was hot as shit and Pietro's bed was all lumpy, but none of that mattered, not really. Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing, though, so when it happened, it was sweaty and messy and...not particularly enjoyable. I think I may have lasted all of two minutes. But I don't regret it, and I'll never forget that afternoon. Pietro…" Leorio swallowed down a lump that had risen in his throat. "...a year later, he was dead."

"How?" Kurapika asked, soft. "...how do you move on? How do you get past the pain?"

"Whelp, it wasn't easy, lemme tell ya!" Leorio admitted, with a touch of a smile. "Time helps. And being with friends helps. You won't always feel the way you feel now. I used to think I'd never love anyone as much as I loved Pietro. But! Life proved me wrong," he murmured, giving Kurapika a low-lidded glance.

_Now if only I could figure out the right time to tell you…_

"I...I see," Kurapika whispered. His hands had balled into fists at his sides, knuckles white from the strain. "Thank you for telling me."

"Hey, no problem!" Leorio chirped, beaming. "Feels kinda nice to tell someone. Couple of years ago, I wouldn't have been able to _think_ about this, much less talk about it. Not without cryin', at least."

"Mm."

Leorio gave Kurapika a long, thoughtful glance. "Can I ask why you wanted t'know?"

"Oh...ah. No reason." Kurapika raked his bangs off his face — to no avail. The long, unruly blond locks fell right back into place, soft as a trickle of water. "I was...just curious."

"...'kay," Leorio replied, feeling slightly disappointed somehow, although he couldn't say exactly _why_ that was.

But he left it at that. No use sniffing after something that probably wouldn't matter, right? Leorio stretched, the muscles in his neck popping audibly, a yawn briefly contorting his face.

"Mmmnh… _gods_ , what a night," he mumbled, more to himself than to Kurapika. Then he rolled away and began to crawl toward the couch, hoping his legs hadn't fallen asleep.

"Hey Peeks," Leorio called over his shoulder, "I was thinkin' maybe we could watch some TV —"

"Leorio — _wait_." Kurapika interrupted, and grabbed his arm.

There was a desperate strength behind his grip that made Leorio stop short, his heart executing a flip in his chest. When he looked, Kurapika's expression was filled with hope and fear _and_ — something else, besides. Something eager and determined that might have been just his eyes playing tricks on him.

"I'm not being truthful," Kurapika admitted, curling his fingers in the smooth material of his pinstriped dress shirt. Leorio's mouth suddenly felt dry as a wisp of cotton.

"It's okay to have a change of heart, isn't it?" Kurapika asked, so earnestly Leorio immediately felt guilty for having no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"Err...w-well _sure_ , but —"

But Kurapika simply bowled on, as if Leorio hadn't even spoken at all. "An hour ago, I was convinced I would never find _anyone_ who could make me feel so comfortable. And I was _fine_ with that, really. Intimacy just...never seemed worth the effort. Every single time I thought about touching someone, letting them touch _me_ …"

Kurapika shuddered, and Leorio was vaguely aware that they were on the cusp of something, that with every word Kurapika was tearing down the foundation upon which they had built the careful status quo of their relationship. Suddenly Leorio was so, so nervous, but. He _wanted_ Kurapika to tear this down; there was so much crackling between them he felt like he was _drowning_ in it.

"It made me uncomfortable," Kurapika continued, "because all I could think about was how much I'd be giving up. But now I…"

"Kurapika, look, I —"

"Leorio. Would you _please_ hush and let me talk?" Kurapika demanded. Leorio immediately zipped his lips, watching as Kurapika took a very deep breath. He found himself doing the same, holding it in — _waiting_.

Kurapika's hand slipped down his arm, slow, torturous touch. And then he was holding his hand, intertwining their fingers, his hands small and warm and softly calloused. His eyes never once left Leorio's face.

"You say I sugar-coat things," Kurapika murmured wryly, "so I'll be blunt. Just this once. Leorio...would you like to have sex with me?"

 

_________________________________

 

Leorio was stunningly easy to read. Kurapika had perfected it within the first few weeks of knowing him. Not only was he a terrible liar, he couldn't keep a lid on his emotions to save his life.

 

But Kurapika was finding it _awfully_ hard to gauge his reaction now, and the taller man's lack of response was doing absolutely nothing to help his nerves. His heart was pounding like a freight engine out of control, and Kurapika had a sneaking suspicion that if Leorio didn't speak in the next ten seconds, he was going to break out in a cold sweat. Even so, he refused to backpedal, refused to act like his offer hadn't been serious.

Kurapika wasn't in the habit of saying things lightly, after all.

Leorio uttered a low, choking sound, which...wasn't what he'd been expecting, honestly. But under the circumstances, he supposed it was better than nothing.

"Kurapika, you — are you _okay?"_ Leorio asked, sounding like someone had tied his vocal cords into knots.

Kurapika frowned. Disappointment crept into his heart, knocking his already-wavering confidence down a few pegs. But he simply squared his shoulders and tried to answer as calmly as he could — _without_ taking offense or allowing any of the disappointment he felt to seep into his voice. Admittedly, the first part was easier to do than the second.

"I — I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Did I hit my _head?_ " Leorio pressed, a hint of manic desperation in his voice. It would have been comical had he not looked so utterly _panicked_ , like a man who had been rudely informed of a bomb planted in the building. While Kurapika could always count on Leorio to be transparent, there were times when it wasn't always a good thing. Now was definitely one of those times. He could see the confusion in his dark brown eyes, the disbelief — but most of all he could see the _reluctance_ , and that...that cut right down to the core of him.

Leorio had no idea how difficult this was for him. To finally be honest, to admit that he cared, to allow himself to be vulnerable — _especially_ to be vulnerable. It was terrifying, and while Kurapika couldn't exactly blame him for reacting this way, it was the opposite of what he'd wanted. He wanted — _gods_. He didn't even know. For Leorio to smile and kiss him, maybe. _Not_ to look like he was on the verge of a panic attack.

Kurapika sighed.

"Am I _dreaming?_ " Leorio demanded. When Kurapika didn't respond, Leorio reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders, fingers digging into the material of his tabard. "I gotta be dreamin' right now."

"You're not dreaming," Kurapika replied stiffly. "Is this really so unbelievable to you?"

Leorio looked so skeptical his picture could have appeared next to the word in the dictionary, but finally, _finally_ some of the disbelief began to leave his eyes, and there was only confusion, mixed in with the same smoldering regard Kurapika had seen just before he ran out of here like his hair was on fire.

Kurapika could feel warmth coalescing in the small of his belly, and he was suddenly, _achingly_ sure.

"Kurapika," Leorio said, the serious timbre of his voice making him flush. "...why?"

Kurapika blinked. "W-why? Well..I thought...you said I was your favorite person, a-and we get along so well, and after the way you looked at me, and that conversation we had, so I figured…" he swallowed. "...was I mistaken? You don't want to?"

Leorio huffed, incredulous. "Of _course_ I want to. You kiddin' me? All I've thought about for the last _two years_ was how much I wanted you! B-but that's not what I'm askin', and you _know_ it! So stop being purposely obtuse!"

Kurapika couldn't help it, he smiled. "Obtuse? Leorio, I'm impressed by your word usage."

Leorio glared at him. "Oh, _great_. The last thing I need is your snobbish vocabulary rubbing off on me!"

"Oh?" Kurapika inclined his head, faking innocence. "...would you like me to rub something else on you, then?"

Leorio sputtered, reddening. Kurapika smiled, taking the opportunity to cup his cheek, Leorio's skin warm and rough with half-grown whiskers under his palm. But as much as he enjoyed touching him like this, suddenly he couldn't stop shaking, nervousness finally catching up to him, _hard_.

"The last two years have been awful," Kurapika confessed quietly, succinct but understated, "and I...I just. Want to do one thing I know I'll feel good about. With someone I won't have any regrets with. I want one thing, one memory that isn't tainted by grief or blood or hardship. Is that selfish of me?"

"Kurapika," Leorio hissed, his eyes gleaming, "this...this isn't how I planned it…"

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't plan this either," Kurapika assured him gently. "Although, if you were thinking of making some grand statement with chocolates and flowers, you should know I find that sort of thing insufferably corny. So I probably would have laughed at you."

"...you are the absolute _worst_ , you know that?"

Kurapika smiled, slow and fond. "Leorio. Do you want to have sex with me?"

Leorio shivered. His voice was a low rumble. "Yes. Oh god, _yes_."

"Good," Kurapika whispered back. "Because I want to have sex with you, too. You're the only person who ever made me feel this way. So whatever happens...know that I _wanted_ this, that I wanted _you_." He paused, then added softly: "We can figure the rest out later, can't we?"

Leorio's answering smile was enough to make him lightheaded. "You bet, Pika."

There was a long pause, during which they both just stared at each other, like two devotees waiting for a sign. It was terribly awkward, but Kurapika's confidence had reached its limits, and he had to admit (if to no one but himself) that he doesn't have the slightest clue what to do next. Should he...should he just start touching Leorio? Or did he have to take his clothes off first? Was he supposed to initiate the kissing? He had never kissed anyone before, how could he possibly be expected to initiate?! Oh god, _oh god_ , he was going to make a fool of himself, wasn't he?

Some of his hesitation must have shown in his eyes, because Leorio snapped out of whatever reverie he had fallen into, and shifted so that he was cupping Kurapika's face in both of his large, warm hands.

"Kurapika. If I do something you don't like, tell me to stop," he murmured, his tone low and serious. "If I'm going too fast, or too slow, or too rough — _anything_ , no matter what, just tell me. I want to make you feel good. I want to spend the rest of tonight making you feel good."

O-oh. Well. Kurapika gulped, nodding shakily.

"Can I kiss you?" Leorio asked, in a tone of voice that was doing funny things to his chest.

Kurapika nodded again, not trusting himself to speak.

So Leorio leaned and kissed him, and just like everything else about this weird, emotional night, it was nothing he had expected and everything he'd needed. Leorio's lips were a little dry, his mouth moving over his own with tentative caution. Nothing more than a peck, really, quick and painless — but as soon as he pulled away Kurapika knew he wanted more of them, _more_.

"Again. Please. Kiss me again," he heard himself say, and Leorio obliged with a hum, closing the distance between them with practiced ease. This time it was much deeper, and a whole lot wetter. Kurapika wasn’t entirely sure if he liked it, at first, Leorio’s saliva on his lips a decidedly strange sensation, but when Leorio tipped his head to allow himself better access he quickly decided he didn’t care. This time, when Leorio pulled away, he did so with a slow drag of teeth over his lower lip that coaxed a low moan out of him (Kurapika had no idea he was capable of making such a sound) and he was only distantly aware that his hands had left the carpet and were currently balled up against Leorio’s ridiculously broad chest.

"Mmnh, _Kurapika_ ," Leorio mumbled, before he dove in once again, and all Kurapika could think as Leorio gently slipped his tongue into his mouth was _yes, yes please, don't ever stop kissing me._

Some of his confidence returned in the midst of all this — Kurapika was many things, but he had never been shy and he was a _very_ fast learner — and he soon found himself snaking his arms around Leorio's neck, hungrily sucking on his tongue. Leorio tasted like chocolate ice cream and cigarettes, a combination that absolutely should _not_ have been as appealing as it was, but suddenly he couldn't get enough. Leorio moaned loudly into his mouth — Kurapika could feel the reverberations in the back of his throat — and then he was tugging him into his lap, gentle but insistent.

Kurapika happily climbed into it, relishing the closeness.

He couldn't accurately pin down how he felt. Anything even remotely resembling rational thought was quickly fading into the background, and all he was truly aware of was Leorio — how solid his body was under his hands, how expertly he used his tongue, the little sounds he was making, the smell of his cologne; overpowering now that Kurapika was so close. Saliva was running down his chin, and the warmth in his belly had become a tight, hot ball of heat that was spreading south to his groin; his boxers had become a whole lot tighter, but for once Kurapika wasn't embarrassed, or self-conscious. For once, he _welcomed_ this arousal, because Leorio was the one responsible for it.

"Goddamn, Kurapika," Leorio hissed, tearing away from his lips to attack his neck. A jolt of pleasure ran down Kurapika's spine, followed by a small, whimpery sound he would have been ashamed of if he hadn't been so distracted. Leorio began suckling and nibbling, exploring the skin there with his lips and teeth and tongue, and it was good, so damn _good_ all Kurapika could do was cling to Leorio's shoulders for dear life, making little rocking motions were slowly driving them both insane.

"Goddamn," Leorio hisses again, but despite the explicative he doesn't sound mad, only awestruck. Leorio's arms go around his waist, but Kurapika doesn't have time to marvel at the strength he can plainly feel in them, because the next thing he knows Leorio is caressing his way down his back, briefly squeezing his ass (Kurapika can't help it, a tiny yelp of surprise escapes him at this) and then Leorio was tugging at the hem of his long tabard.

"...can I take this off?" Leorio murmured, low and seductive and Kurapika thinks: _Oh._

People are usually naked when they have sex. It only stood to reason that _they_ would be naked, too, but for a moment Kurapika was inexplicably nervous, all his newfound confidence gone just as quickly as it had come. It was silly, honestly, because he'd never been particularly body-shy, but the thought of being completely nude before Leorio triggered all his long-held insecurities concerning intimacy. Sex was an act, a gift — but it was also a risk you take with all your vulnerabilities, and Kurapika still had a lot of hang-ups about those.

Kurapika hesitated, biting his lips, prompting Leorio to kiss him again, wet and open.

"Hey, let _me_ do the biting," he said teasingly, but Kurapika could see a question in his eyes: _Am I going too fast?_

Kurapika slowly exhaled, desperately trying to dispel some of the tension coiling in his gut.

"Hurry up and take my clothes off, silly," he invited. "And I'll do the same for you."

Leorio beamed, and then — possibly because he was eager, possibly because he wanted to act before Kurapika could change his mind — he grasped his long tabard and pulled it up and over his head. Kurapika obediently lifted his arms, his vision momentarily obscured, and then it was off, and he was undressed — well. Relatively so. The tabard he'd been wearing was nearly the length of a nightgown, so he hadn't bothered to wear anything but his black boxers underneath. Still, it was more naked than he had ever been in front of _anyone_ , and it was impossible not to notice that he was half-hard already.

"You are _so_ fucking beautiful," Leorio groaned, pulling him closer. Kurapika met Leorio's embrace halfway, drawn to him like a magnet, wanting so much more, wanting to give Leorio _everything_ he had to give, wanting the same in return.

"R-really? I — _oohh_..." Kurapika moaned, his eyes fluttering shut, whatever he'd been about to say lost in a misty haze of pleasure as Leorio began thumbing his nipples, teasing them into hard little buds. "Le..Leorio…!"

"Have you have ever had an orgasm, Kurapika?" Leorio asked, his hands never once stopping their ministrations.

"I…" Dammit, couldn't Leorio see how hard it was for him to talk like this? Kurapika tried to think back on the last time he'd brought himself off with his hand. It had been a _while_ ago, so long he barely remembered it. "No. Y-yes?"

"Maybe?" Leorio supplied, chuckling. "C'mon, please tell me you've jerked off before, at the very least."

"I'm n-n-not like you!" Kurapika hissed, as Leorio dipped his head to _lick_ his nipples, his tongue running hot, wet circles over them.

"I don't —"

Leorio caressed his navel, his rough, blunted fingertips dancing over his skin, sending white-hot sparks of electricity coursing through Kurapika's nerve-endings.

"It was always too —"

Leorio's hands again, running up and down his quivering thighs.

"— it was, was — _mmghn!_ "

Leorio's teeth, sinking into Kurapika's left nipple hard enough to bring tears of pure bliss to his eyes. His dick rose, aching within the confines of his underwear.

"No good?" Leorio asked when he lifted his head again, only Kurapika was so overwhelmed he couldn't speak even if he wanted to. "Well," Leorio continued, grinning languidly, "this should be fun."

_What are you —_

But before Kurapika could gather his scattered wits about him enough to turn that half-finished thought into a fully-formed statement, Leorio stood and picked him up bridal-style, lifting him as easily as a doll.

" _Leorio!_ " Kurapika gasped. He needn't have bothered, because they didn't go very far. Leorio gently deposited him on the nearest couch, and Kurapika was far too surprised to question — or protest — this change in position. Nor did he question it when Leorio dropped down on his knees before him, gently coaxing Kurapika to spread his legs a little so he could nestle himself between them.

"I want to taste you, Kurapika," Leorio murmured. Kurapika's mouth immediately went dry, blood rushing in his ears. "Can I taste you?"


	7. Chapter 7

"I want to taste you, Kurapika," Leorio murmured. Kurapika's mouth immediately went dry, blood rushing in his ears. "Can I taste you?"

 

_Taste…?_

It was impossible not to catch Leorio's meaning, _especially_ not when he was nestled between his legs like that, and while part of him was more grateful than he would ever be able to express for the atmosphere of trust and consent that Leorio was building with every touch, there was a prim, hopelessly repressed part of him that was currently recoiling in horror. Kurapika tried to imagine Leorio's mouth on him, working that skillful tongue of his, and all he could think was: _Oh god, he can't taste me there, I urinate out of there!_

The thought was so ludicrously unromantic Kurapika couldn't help giggling; it burst out of him strangely, bright with just a hint of panic. Leorio cocked his head, eyeing him quizzically, and it was so endearing Kurapika leaned up off the couch cushions and slipped his arms around Leorio's neck. It wasn't hard to do: the couch was very low, and Leorio was very tall, so they were nearly face to face even though Leorio was on his knees.

"Kiss me some more?" Kurapika asked, soft and shy. Leorio obliged with a smile — but instead of kissing his lips, Leorio dipped down to nibble along the length of his collarbones, leaving glistening pink marks in his wake.

" _H-hey_ ," Kurapika hissed, even as he arched helplessly into Leorio's touch, "n-no fair…"

"Nuh-uh," Leorio murmured, in a voice was filled with so much playful sweetness Kurapika could have cried, "you never specified where you wanted me to kiss you. So by all rights, I get to choose the place. It's _your_ fault, for bein' so damn kissable."

"Idiot," Kurapika whispered, fingers tangling in Leorio's shirt, "just for that, I order you to kiss me everywhere."

"Mmnh," Leorio hummed, using his fingertips to trace the delineations of Kurapika's ab muscles — which, admittedly, were far less defined than they used to be. Kurapika had lost nearly fifteen pounds in the last two years. He certainly hadn't been _trying_ to, but sometimes he just...forgot to eat. Running a criminal organization from the shadows was surprisingly time-consuming, and there never seemed to be enough hours left in the day for himself. Truth be told, Kurapika had become hard-pressed to care one way or the other.

He couldn't help wondering if Leorio noticed how much weight he'd lost, though, with something akin to worry fluttering in his chest. Kurapika wouldn't put it past him; Leorio had always been more perceptive than he let on — but whether he noticed or not, Leorio obviously didn't care. Leorio smiled, and even though his brown eyes were darker than his, somehow they were brighter, too, full of affection, and Kurapika was free-falling into them, into _him_ , until it wasn't so much about wanting sex for its own sake, but about wanting this intimacy because he wanted _Leorio_ , in every possible way.

"Kiss you all over," Leorio murmured, nodding affirmatively, "yep, can do."

"Then what are you waiting for?" Kurapika replied, sounding far more self-assured than he actually felt — because what he _actually_ felt was a powerful mixture of nervousness and arousal, but his pride (stubborn even now) wouldn't let him cop to how close he was to being completely overwhelmed. They had just barely gotten started, for goodness' sake! Untouched virgin or no, there was no way he was going to let Leorio get the best of him so easily!

Or so Kurapika thought. But when Leorio chuckled and began trailing a hot line of kisses down his chest, his large hands drifting up to roll the buds of his nipples between his fingers, it was all Kurapika could do to keep himself from shaking.

So much for playing it cool.

" _L-Leorio…_ " he hissed, and his voice low and choppy and filled with so much _need_ he barely recognized it as his own.

"...love it when you say my name like that," Leorio mumbled, slipping his tongue into the hollow of Kurapika's belly-button. Kurapika whimpered, arching lithely off the couch, his desperate, clutching fingers gathering up double-fistfuls of Leorio's dress shirt. Leorio sighed happily, before folding down the hem of his boxers _just enough_ to expose the sharp angles of Kurapika's hipbones and the first downy tufts of dark-blond pubic hair covering his groin. And then Leorio was kissing him, _again_ , following the V-shaped cut of his lower abdominals with his lips, one hand tirelessly teasing his nipples, the other circling around him to caress the small of his back.

Kurapika was losing time, losing focus, losing all awareness of everything except Leorio's lips and his hands and how fucking _good_ he was making him feel. Desire had seized him like a tidal wave, sweeping away his earlier shyness, and it all happened so naturally Kurapika couldn't help wondering why he'd been so reluctant in the first place.

So when Leorio finally cupped his erection, gently stroking him through his thin cotton underwear (which had become uncomfortably snug in his arousal), the answer came easily: "Y-Yes, Leorio, please, _please_ —"

"Shh, Pika. S'okay," Leorio soothed. Kurapika couldn't help noticing how _shaken_ Leorio sounded, though, his brown eyes nearly lost in the black sea of his dilated pupils — but it was wonderful, so _wonderful_ , to see him like this, to hear that slight tremble in his voice and know it was because Leorio wanted _him_ , too.

"I can't wait to taste you," Leorio continued breathily, hooking his fingers under the elastic waistband of his boxers. "I can't wait to feel you wrapped around me, Kurapika…"

Mm, _yes_. Kurapika eagerly lifted his buttocks so Leorio could remove his underwear, _loving_ the way he was guiding him through this, his words like a balm, comforting and exciting all at once. He vaguely wondered if Leorio did this with everyone he was intimate with, and quickly decided it wouldn't surprise him at all — it only made sense that Leorio would be just as talkative in bed as he was everywhere else. It was a perfect combination of sexy and adorable, and Kurapika found himself wishing he had the wherewithal to express a similar sentiment, but too much blood had vacated his brain and rallied south for him to do much more than moan appreciatively as Leorio slid his boxers down his legs and to the floor.

Then he was naked, _really_ naked, but with Leorio that wasn't so scary.

Leorio paused for a moment, giving him a slow once-over that would have been downright inappropriate had anyone else been watching, his eyes lingering on Kurapika's dick, which arched away from him in a gentle curve. Kurapika was pretty sure he was harder than he'd ever been in his life, practically _aching_ with it. It probably should have been embarrassing to have Leorio staring like this, but all he could feel was flattered.

"Wow," Leorio eventually breathed, looking downright floored. " _Fuck_ , you're — you're even hotter than I imagined. I'm just... _wow_." Leorio paused again, briefly, studying him with all the intentness of a surgeon surveying his latest patient. Then he added: "I gotta admit, I didn't think you'd be circumcised. Was that common practice with the Kurta?"

Kurapika blinked.

"Ah...h-huh?" he stammered, rather eloquently considering the circumstances.

"Oh," Leorio glanced up, smiling. "It's nothing, never mind. I went into doctor-mode for a second there."

But Kurapika wasn't ready to let it go so easily. He glanced down at himself, then up at Leorio, genuinely confused. "Circumcised? Do you...wait, y-you mean you're not? But I thought...isn't everyone?"

Kurapika had no idea what was so funny about that question, but Leorio immediately burst into laughter, his shoulders shaking with it. Kurapika frowned, swatting him with an indignant huff, but that only made Leorio laugh harder, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. So Kurapika reached out to swat him again, but Leorio caught his hands before he could, kissing his palms.

"You're so cute," Leorio murmured, sucking the index finger on Kurapika's right hand into his mouth. The warm, wet heat, combined with the low-lidded, suggestive look in Leorio's eyes sent a shiver racing down Kurapika's spine, all his annoyance leaving him in a shuddery rush of air.

"...so damn cute," Leorio murmured again, whipping off his glasses and loosening his tie with a sudden purpose. Then he hunkered down, sweeping Kurapika's left leg over his shoulder. Somehow, watching Leorio making himself comfortable between his thighs turned Kurapika on more than anything that had come before. And considering what had come before, that was _really_ saying something.

"Leorio," Kurapika whispered, not knowing why, just needing to say his name.

"S'okay Pika, I can handle you. I once shoved my cell phone down my throat!" Leorio confided with a teasing little wink. "I'll take care of you, I promise. So just...put your hands in my hair and relax, okay?"

Kurapika gulped, wondering how the heck he was supposed to relax in this situation — but he obediently threaded his fingers in Leorio's short, dark hair, trusting him implicitly.

Leorio immediately began kissing Kurapika's inner thighs, slowly working his way up, and every press of Leorio's lips was like a _brand_ , claiming places no one had seen or touched but himself until now. Kurapika shuddered, uttering a small sound that couldn't quite decide whether it wanted to be a whimper or a groan, quivering in a powerful combination of arousal, anticipation and nerves. He desperately needed an outlet — _god_ , he needed Leorio to stop fooling around and _touch_ him already, but Leorio purposely seemed to be avoiding the one area that could have greatly benefited from the addition of his mouth. Leorio sucked a huge hickey into the smooth, sensitive skin located near Kurapika's scrotum, almost as if he wanted to leave some evidence that he'd been there, an obvious reminder — and it was only when Kurapika tugged on his hair in a desperate effort to get him to _move up already_ that Leorio complied, with a little smile which suggested he'd been waiting for Kurapika to do that very thing.

And, _oh_. It was pure bliss when Leorio finally, _finally_ wrapped his hand around Kurapika's dick, stroking him from base to tip, so slow. His touch was _electrifying_ , like nothing Kurapika ever experienced before. A cry burst from his lips, high and shivery — and on some level it _scared_ him, this physicality, but mostly he just wanted more. _More_. As if he could sense his desperation, Leorio leaned down and lapped up the translucent bead of precum leaking from him, wasting no time, apparently done with teasing.

The noise Kurapika made was so high and strangled it was almost a _squeak_.

"You taste _so_ good," Leorio husked, firmly grasping the base of Kurapika's penis. Kurapika whined, the leg draped over Leorio's broad shoulders oddly tensed, his heart jackhammering in his chest. Leorio licked his lips, hovering over him for a few breathless, weightless seconds.

And then.

Kurapika could only stare, completely overwhelmed, as Leorio drew him into his mouth, over the head and down his length, deeper and deeper, until he was completely enveloped in slick, velvety heat. Kurapika's head was spinning, Leorio's mouth was on him, and absolutely _nothing_ could have prepared him for how it would feel. The word 'blowjob' suddenly seemed so horribly crass.

Leorio glanced up at him, his mouth full; Kurapika caught a hint of concern in the look, no doubt because he had suddenly fallen so quiet. Kurapika had completely forgotten to breathe, but when he met Leorio's eyes he inhaled in one big, choppy whoosh, his fingers curling helplessly in Leorio's hair.

"... _Leorio_ ," he groaned, and it felt so good, so _right,_ Kurapika called Leorio's name again, and _again_ , like a mantra. Leorio hummed approvingly, drawing back with a soft slurping sound that was equal parts mind-blowingly hot and utterly obscene, leaving a thick smear of saliva in his wake. Leorio seemed incapable of doing anything with his mouth that wasn't sloppy wet, but Kurapika didn't care, he didn't fucking _care_ , Leorio was perfect the way he was.

Kurapika uttered a soft, kittenish whimper as Leorio drew right back in, and the slurping sounds increased as he settled into a steady rhythm. When Leorio tightened his grip on the base of Kurapika's dick, Kurapika's eyes fluttered shut; he was dangerously close to sensory overload, pleasure setting every nerve-ending on fire, his body suspended in a world where nothing existed except for Leorio, his wonderful mouth, the way he bobbed up and down, moaning like he'd never tasted or enjoyed anything so much in his life.

Kurapika could feel himself getting close, _so_ close, pressure building like steam trapped in a kettle, his moans becoming longer and louder. He tried to keep still, mostly because he didn't think he was _supposed_ to move, but it wasn't long before his hips were jerking and he was shoving himself inside Leorio's mouth with teeny-tiny thrusts, carefully refraining from going too far; Kurapika didn't know much about sex, but common sense told him it probably wouldn't feel very good for Leorio to have someone's dick continuously ramming the back of his throat.

Leorio reached up with his free hand and raked his short, blunt nails down Kurapika's chest, and suddenly it was too _much_ , the air surrounding them too _hot_ ; Kurapika's bangs were sticking to his forehead with sweat and he _knew_ he was going to come any minute now; if it hadn't been for Leorio's tight grip on his dick he probably would have come already.

"A-aaah —! (( _Fuck_ , Leorio, please!)) I, _I'm_ —" Kurapika gasped, slipping in and out of Kurta, his head falling back. He pulled on Leorio's hair, _hard_ , trying to warn him, and Leorio popped off with a low, warning growl that made Kurapika want to come even _harder_.

Kurapika opened his eyes and saw Leorio staring at him with a single raised brow, his tanned faced flushed and his chin slick with drool. He looked confused, maybe even a little annoyed, so Kurapika hastened to explain, "L-Leorio, I'm g-going to, I —"

"Cum?" Leorio interrupted, smiling a little — so maybe he wasn't annoyed at all. Leorio finally loosened his grip on the base of Kurapika's penis so he could massage his balls, wrenching a pleasure-soaked cry from Kurapika's lips. Gods, he sounded absolutely _wrecked_ , in the best possible way.

"I _want_ you to cum in my mouth, Kurapika. That's the whole point. Come for me." Leorio gently chastised. He braced himself on Kurapika's hips, dragging him close, then added: "Your eyes are _gorgeous_ , by the way."

_My eyes…?_

But that's about as far as the thought went, because the next thing Kurapika knew Leorio was swallowing him down again, lips and tongue working in tandem, and there was no way, _no way_ Kurapika could have lasted after that. Leorio had asked him if he'd ever had an orgasm before, and of course he had, he wasn't _that_ bad...but Kurapika had never had one like _this_. It flared through him like a long series of controlled explosions, making him buck and writhe, curses spilling from his lips in his native tongue. Leorio kept right on sucking him through it all, dragging Kurapika's orgasm out as long as he could, until reality crumpled somewhere beneath him and he sagged against the couch cushions, utterly spent.

Kurapika's leg had slipped off Leorio's shoulder, but he couldn't remember when. Awareness and awakeness seemed very far away; he was floating on a sea of hazy bliss, only dimly aware of Leorio, who was busy lapping up the last few drops of semen he hadn't already swallowed. Every time Leorio swiped his tongue over his softening dick, Kurapika twitched with residual pleasure.

"Kurapika?" Leorio eventually murmured, plopping down beside him on the couch. Kurapika felt him lean over, and then Leorio kissed his cheek, surprisingly chaste, prompting Kurapika to open his glazed eyes. "Are you okay?"

What a question. Kurapika wiped his sweaty bangs off his face, shocked by how languid he felt, and inclined his head with a warm smile.

"No," he answered, in a perfectly serious tone of voice, before he slipped his arms around Leorio's neck and kissed him, desperately trying to convey — without actually having to use any words — that he would never be the same after this, that he would remember how Leorio made him feel for the rest of his life, _always_. There was a sweet-salty flavor on Leorio's tongue now, and Kurapika realized (with an odd mixture of fascination and disgust that he would never, ever admit to, not even on his deathbed) that he was tasting _himself_.

Leorio was the first to break their kiss, panting a little, a big, goofy smile on his face. "Mhm, that was nice," he mumbled against Kurapika's mouth. "Not everyone wants to kiss after...well, y'know."

Kurapika frowned. "Why wouldn't I want to kiss you?"

Leorio's only response was to shrug, but his smile became even goofier, even happier. It made something warm and affectionate swell within Kurapika, and he nuzzled Leorio's face, sighing when his large hands wandered up to draw random patterns on his back.

"...you were so amazing," Kurapika confessed quietly, a blush tinging his cheeks; he felt cheesy for saying so, but it was _true_ , damn it, Leorio was amazing and Kurapika wanted him to know. "I'm sorry for pulling your hair. Did I hurt you?"

"Mm? Oh...don't worry about it. I liked it," Leorio admitted, bumping their noses together. "I, um. I don't mind a little pain," he continued, and blushed hard when Kurapika stared at him, wide-eyed, "s-so, don't worry about being a little rough with me. I'm big, I can take it. Alright?"

Kurapika opened his mouth to respond — but for a moment, he honestly couldn't think of a single thing to say; the implication in this made his heart speed up, imagination running wild. Sex had always been one area Kurapika was deeply unsure of, and he never once paused to consider how he could make someone _else_ feel good, never really thought he'd _want_ to. The very idea had seemed preposterous, fraught with all sorts of nameless discomforts, both physical and emotional.

But with Leorio, he wanted to. From the bottom of his heart.

"A-ah," Kurapika eventually replied, nerves jangling in his voice, even as he was pulling Leorio closer, "I see. Good to know…"

So he kissed Leorio again, because he'd used enough words for now. And for a while, that's all they did, trading slow kisses and hard kisses and deep kisses and everything in-between, until Kurapika's lips were puffy and Leorio's neck was covered with a half-dozen of Kurapika's own inexperienced attempts at love bites. Making out with Leorio like this was incredibly erotic — it surprised Kurapika how quickly he was becoming aroused again — but it was also just plain _fun_. Leorio was a playful, energetic kisser, and Kurapika had to stop more than once, both to catch his breath and to control his giggles.

"Fuck," Leorio finally muttered, looking adorably mussed, his tie twisted around the wrong way and his hair sticking up in all directions, "please, Kurapika...I'm _so_ hard…"

Oh crap! Kurapika flushed guiltily, realizing that Leorio hadn't gotten even off _once_ yet, and was still almost completely dressed. It was impossible to ignore the longing in his eyes or the large bulge currently tenting the front of Leorio's dark blue trousers, straining against the material.

"Leorio, I'm _so_ sorry," Kurapika replied, planting a quick kiss on the tip of Leorio's nose. "Here, let's do something about that. Stand up for me?"

Leorio stood, eagerness and relief written all over his expression. Kurapika positioned himself in front of the taller man, naked as the day he was born, and arched up on his tippy-toes so that he could remove Leorio's tie. He let it fall to the floor with a soft whisper of silk, then began unbuttoning Leorio's dress shirt, his quick, deft fingers making short work of it. Kurapika marveled at every inch of skin he uncovered, breath catching in his throat; Leorio had a _very_ nice chest, all firm, sculpted muscle, and Kurapika couldn't wait to find out what he would feel like under his hands, pressed up against his skin, under and above him...

_Leorio…_

His face warm, Kurapika carefully peeled Leorio's shirt off his arms, letting it join his tie on the floor — and then, unable help himself, Kurapika began caressing Leorio's bare skin, reverently running his hands up and down his biceps.

"...why do you hide all this under a suit?" Kurapika muttered, more to himself to than Leorio, but Leorio heard him anyway and grinned, flexing his arms.

Kurapika couldn't deny it, the sight made his heart stop for a few seconds.

"Heh, I would have walked around shirtless _a lot_ more often if I'd known you liked it," Leorio said, his voice pitched low, but Kurapika didn't bother acknowledging him, hell, he barely even _heard_ him. He simply surged forward, needing to touch Leorio, needing to kiss him, desire fueling his arousal. Without a handy tie to grab onto so he could pull Leorio down to his lips, Kurapika ended up kissing Leorio's pecs, but he was okay with that. Kurapika caressed Leorio's back as he worked his way across the plane of his chest, loving the way Leorio gasped and shuddered in his arms, hissing Kurapika's name.

Leorio reached down to unbuckle his trousers, fumbling, but Kurapika slapped his hands away before Leorio could yank them down, tsking softly.

"Let me do that," he said, flashing Leorio a stern glance, somewhat tempered by the affection in his eyes. Leorio groaned, but relented, allowing Kurapika to slide his hands down his waist (which was ridiculously small and dainty for someone as muscular as he was) so he could undo Leorio's belt, unzip his trousers and tug them down. Leorio was so hard Kurapika had to be careful about it, not wanting to hurt him in the process of removing his clothes. Every time his hands ghosted over Leorio's erection, Leorio bucked, trembling all over. It was nice, so _nice_ to know he could have this effect on someone, to be _wanted_ by someone he had a bond with, someone who was attractive not just in body but in their soul, someone who wanted him to enjoy it as much as them, someone Kurapika could make _happy_ for once.

Kurapika stepped back, smiling almost wolfishly, and Leorio immediately stepped forward, drawn to him like a lodestone, his eyes half-lidded and dark with lust. In doing so, Leorio stepped out of his pants, which was exactly what Kurapika wanted.

"Easy," Kurapika mumbled as Leorio pulled him close, shaking a little, as if the momentary loss of contact with him had been too much for him to bear. Leorio bent down, tangled his fingers in Kurapika's soft blond hair and kissed him, so passionately it made Kurapika's toes curl in the thick shag of the rug beneath his feet, his hands balled up against Leorio's chest; Leorio kissed him like he'd been waiting to do this for ages: not soft, not gentle, but fierce and reverent and _possessive_. Kurapika came up for air completely dazed, breathing rabbit-quick, feeling downright _tingly_.

Gods, Leorio was going to _ruin_ him. It hadn't even been ten minutes and he was already half-hard again; Kurapika never done this before, never wanted someone so _bad_ , and he was starting to think nothing or no-one would ever match up to this ever again.

 _...you could stay with him,_ a voice whispered from the depths of heart, but Kurapika didn't want to think about that right now, not _yet_. He had promised Leorio that they would figure it out later.

"...you're evil," Kurapika pronounced solemnly, darting his tongue over his lips. "Now I have to take your underwear off."

Leorio grinned rakishly. "And spank me?" he asked, so hopeful Kurapika huffed out a laugh.

"Don't tempt me," he warned, turning his attention to the only thing standing in the way between Leorio and nudity. Leorio was wearing a pair of tight boxer-briefs that hugged his shapely ass and strong thighs in all the right ways, the bright green cotton adorned with a repeating pattern of smiley-faces. Kurapika snorted in amusement, then hooked his thumbs into Leorio's briefs, slowly pulling them down, encouraged by Leorio's moans. His mouth was dry with a combination of anticipation-nervousness-excitement; the hard flesh inside bent with the motion of his hands, curving, until it popped out with a bounce. Leorio's underwear slid down his legs to puddle at his feet.

Kurapika blinked. Oh. Oh my.

Leorio's erection was just as big as the rest of him, and Kurapika stared for a good deal longer than he knew he should have, taking in the lean, well-defined bones of his hips and the dark thatch of hair at the delta of his thighs. He could see now why Leorio had found his naive question about circumcision so funny, because Leorio...clearly wasn't.

Above him, Leorio made a noise that just about passed for a polite cough. Kurapika whipped his attention back to Leorio's face and saw that he was nearly beet-red, his dark eyes filled with worry.

"U-um," Leorio stammered, fidgeting, "is s-something wrong?"

What? Kurapika blinked again, then smiled, shaking his head. "No. Of course not." To prove it, he reached out and wrapped his right hand around Leorio's cock, giving him a light, tentative stroke. Leorio whined low in his throat, his hips jerking, so Kurapika did it again, and again, firming his grip, gently swiping his thumb through the precum gathered at the head of Leorio's dick. Sexual inexperience or no, it really helped matters when you had the same genitals as your partner.

"Oh, _god_ , Kurapika, _please_ —" Leorio begged, and that decided him, although Leorio didn't know it yet.

Kurapika released him, his lips quirking in a smile, and dropped down on his knees, enjoying the way Leorio's eyes widened. And...arg. Leorio's height could be _awfully_ inconvenient sometimes, and this was one of those times. He wouldn't be able to reach him like this, so Kurapika sighed, got up, took Leorio's hand and walked him over their room's single queen-sized bed. Kurapika nudged Leorio down, so that he was sitting on the edge, then got right back down on his knees again. There. Much better.

"Kurapika," Leorio rasped, sounded strangled, "you don't...you don't have to —"

"But I want to," Kurapika interrupted, sure and simple. He tucked a lock of his blond hair behind his ear, ruefully eyeing Leorio's cock. Leorio was quite a bit bigger than Kurapika himself was, but he was nothing if not capable of performing under pressure.

"Kurapika…" Leorio tried again, but whatever he was going to say was lost in a gasp, sudden and shaky, as Kurapika ran his tongue along the underside of Leorio's penis, his touch feather-light. Kurapika got all the way up to the tip, then paused to lick the head and sensitive glans, Leorio's deepening cries filling his ears.

"Forgive me," he murmured, steadying himself on Leorio's thighs, "I've never done this before…"

And before he could lose his nerve, or start second-guessing himself, Kurapika took Leorio into his mouth. It was...such a _foreign_ feeling; Leorio's dick was hot and thick and stiff in his mouth, and he could feel Leorio's pulse throbbing in it, unmistakably alive and thrilling in a way he'd never be able to describe. Leorio's taste was just as indescribable: sort of salty, sort of bitter, but not unpleasant, not at all.

Kurapika knew he'd never be able to get Leorio fully into his mouth, he was too big for that. So he gripped the base of Leorio's dick and began bobbing up and down, humming the tune of an old Kurta poem all the while, trying to mimic as best he could all the things Leorio had done to him. Surprisingly enough, this in itself was such a _huge_ turn-on, listening to Leorio falling apart above him, alternating between cursing and pleading and groaning, and Kurapika was honestly floored by how much he wanted to touch himself, his attention split between trying to pleasure Leorio and his own growing need. Leorio fisted a hand in his hair, hips pumping; he was too much of a gentleman to go full-force, but the pace he set was quick, sort of _rough_ , and Kurapika loved it combined with everything else.

" _Kurapika_ ," Leorio suddenly hissed, stilling his hips; if Kurapika's mouth hadn't been otherwise occupied he would have frowned, why was Leorio stopping _now?_

"P-Pika, _really_ , I —" Leorio whimpered, but Kurapika kept right on sucking on him, having grown bold.

As always, his tendency to over-achieve backfired on him a bit.

Leorio came with a helpless shout, and Kurapika wasn't as prepared for it as he thought he would be, the semen flooding his mouth making him gag a little and pull back, startled. He ended up with Leorio's cum dribbling from one corner of his mouth and even more on his _face,_ wet and sticky.

 

Well. That was. Hm.

Leorio had the strangest look on his face, part blissed-out, part utterly horrified. He started to reach for Kurapika and stopped halfway, his hand dangling in the air.

" _S-s-shit_ , Kurapika, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to —" he began, babbling, but Kurapika simply rolled his eyes, slapping Leorio's thigh.

"Jerk," Kurapika murmured sarcastically. "I know I have dry skin, but I really don't think I needed that extra moisturization."

Leorio gaped at him, completely shocked. A half-second passed of somewhat-awkward silence, and then Leorio began to laugh, his shoulders shaking with the effort of trying to hold it in, to no avail. Leorio clutched his stomach and laughed hard, and it wasn't long before Kurapika joined him, his laugh like a soft tinkle of bells.

"Oh my god," Leorio gasped out, pulling Kurapika into his arms so he could hold him while they giggled together — and despite the cum on his face, the nerves singing in his blood, and his own reawakened erection, Kurapika couldn't remember the last time he had been so _happy_.


	8. Chapter 8

As much as Kurapika would have liked to bask in this warm, giggly afterglow, the sticky feeling of semen drying on his face was quickly taking some of the romance out of the situation...and unfortunately, the mess wasn't going to take care of itself. He wriggled a little, but when that failed to elicit a response Kurapika cleared his throat and gently tapped Leorio on the shoulder, hoping he wasn't violating some kind of post-fellatio etiquette. The women on the covers of Leorio's men's magazines had always seemed pleased to be covered in all manner of bodily fluids, but Kurapika knew enough to know that pornography was hardly a realistic depiction of anything.

 

"Leorio?" Kurapika murmured, detaching himself from Leorio's embrace with an apologetic smile. "I'm going to...ah. I'll be right back, okay?"

"You're…?" Leorio began, momentarily struck clueless, but then it dawned on him. "O-Oh!" he stammered, blushing furiously, "Y-yeah, sure! Um, heh, sorry. Take your time, Pika. S-sorry!"

 _Oh, Leorio_. Kurapika smiled again, lightly trailing the tips of his fingers down Leorio's chest, his touch full of silent promises. Leorio gulped, shivering like he was cold — but there was nothing but _heat_ between them, unexpressed sexual sexual tension finally expressed, and Kurapika was nowhere near finished with him yet, didn't think he ever would be.

Kurapika reached out to pull Leorio in for one last kiss, but the bitter-salty taste lingering on his tongue made him stop short before he could close the distance, and his nose crinkled in a frown. Right: _cum_ , currently smeared all over cheeks. Not exactly the world's most flattering look. It was terribly inconvenient, but the sooner he cleaned up, the sooner he could get back to exploring every interesting bit of Leorio's body.

Walking away was surprisingly difficult. Kurapika was acutely aware of Leorio's eyes on his bare ass, and he briefly considered darting across the room so he could slip his tabard over his head, for all the good that would have done. There was really no point in getting dressed — especially considering how long it had taken him to get _undressed_ — but one spontaneous evening of sex was hardly enough to undo years of natural modesty, and Kurapika felt a tiny stab of self-consciousness as he walked away, knowing Leorio was watching his every move _. Drooling_ , probably.

Kurapika had to stifle the urge to roll his eyes at Leorio's sudden, playful wolf-whistle.

"Hot _damn_ Kurapika! I hate it when you leave, but I looove watching you walk away…"

"...Leorio. You are _unbelievably_ corny," Kurapika admonished, darting into the restroom before Leorio could catch him smiling.

He left the door slightly ajar, ran a hand along the wall until he found the light switch, then stood over the sink for a moment, studying his reflection with dull alarm. His eyes — the large, arresting eyes that he'd inherited from his mother — were practically sparkling behind his messy blond fringe, red as spilled blood, and Kurapika felt a brief but clear moment of panic, although he couldn't exactly say why _that_ was. He had nothing to hide, after all, Leorio had seen his scarlet eyes before…but...

But it was different this time.

Kurapika shook his head, washed his face, then stepped out of the bathroom to find Leorio sprawled across the quilt with his arms tucked behind his head and a contented smile on his face. Leorio's tall, muscular frame made for a stunning contrast against the quilt's tacky floral design, and Kurapika had to admit, he couldn't remember the last time his breath had caught in his throat like this, the last time he'd felt so lucky, if he'd ever been lucky in his life.

"Hey, don't tell me you're tired already, old man," Kurapika teased, standing over Leorio at the foot of the bed, his lips quirked in a small, wry grin. "I do believe they make a pill for that."

"Smartass," Leorio shot back, patting the empty space next to him. His eyes were soft and hooded with invitation, and Kurapika joined him immediately, snuggling up beside Leorio with a sigh.

And _oh_ , the skin-to-skin contact was _incredible;_ Leorio was firm and angular and warm everywhere, and Kurapika shivered when he rolled over on him, supporting himself on his elbows so that he wouldn't squish him. They were so close they were sharing breaths, face-to-face and chest-to-chest and everywhere in between, Leorio's sharp hipbones lightly digging into Kurapika's thigh. Kurapika spread his legs — almost instinctively — so that Leorio could slot himself between them and get even closer, and he was amazed by how well they fit, physically, like two puzzle pieces finally come together. Leorio felt like home, like safety, like everything he'd never realized he missed.

" _You're_ the one who's gonna be worn out by the end of the night, not me," Leorio murmured, caressing the side of his face with calloused, surprisingly gentle swipes of his fingers.

"Oh? Is that a challenge?" Kurapika asked, arching a brow.

"Heh. More like a guarantee," Leorio replied, and then he kissed him, soft and unhurried now that the edge had been taken off. Kurapika uttered a sound somewhere between a whimper and a moan, slipping his arms around Leorio's neck. His heart was pounding so hard he was sure Leorio could feel it, and every nerve was singing with an odd mix of adrenaline and longing.

Leorio broke their kiss far too soon, drawing away so he could swipe his thumb over Kurapika's moist, swollen lips, his dark eyes filled with affection and concern.

"Pika...are you scared?" he asked, and the question was so — so thoroughly unexpected; Kurapika scoffed, his initial reaction one of offended annoyance. _Scared? Me?_

"Of course not," he replied, frowning up at Leorio. "Why would I be?"

"Ah. 'Kay," Leorio said, an easy smile spreading across his face. There was a split-second pause, a moment of relief — but Leorio wasn't ready to let it go just yet, because he added, softly: "It's just...your heart's pounding so _fast._ It's okay, y'know? To be scared? Heck, I couldn't stop shaking the first time I did this."

Kurapika flushed, feeling awkward and exposed in a way that had nothing to do with his current nudity. Then he squared his shoulders, meeting Leorio's gaze almost fiercely, scarlet-on-brown, strangely _challenging_ , like he had something to prove. And it was ridiculous, he knew it was, but he just couldn't _help_ it — he was Kurapika of the Kurta, a warrior, the last of his people; he wasn't afraid of this, he wasn't afraid of _anything._

He was a little nervous, _yes_ , but only because he wasn't sure what to expect. Once they got started, he'd be fine. Right as rain. Absolutely.

"I am _not_ scared," Kurapika repeated, firm. He pointedly jerked his hips to prove it, driving his erection into Leorio's belly, still very much aroused, even now. Leorio bit back a groan, shuddering helplessly.

"So, are we doing this?" Kurapika asked, stubbornly shoving aside his nervous uncertainty in favor of a display of cool bravado. It was mostly a facade...but Leorio didn't have to know that. "Technically, I'm still a virgin you know."

"Gods. The sass on you is unreal," Leorio said, before he darted in to claim his mouth in a hard, hungry kiss, and _ooh_. Just when Kurapika thought he was starting to get the hang of this, this _physicality_ , Leorio would take his breath away all over again, and it was becoming harder and harder to come up for air.

Kurapika couldn't quite seem to decide how he felt about lying full-length beneath Leorio. It was — so perfect, the way he could feel Leorio smiling against his lips; the way Leorio worked his tongue, learning him from the inside and inviting Kurapika to do the same; the way Leorio tasted, how wonderfully addicting he was.

But it was also so...so fucking _overwhelming_. Kurapika had never kissed anyone before, never been touched like this — hell, until tonight he'd never been particularly interested in _any_ of those things. Getting close to people had always been fraught with the possibility of danger, of violence, but with Leorio he was completely comfortable and hopelessly turned-on, and honestly, it was almost too much. Kurapika felt pinned, clumsy, half-expecting the other shoe to drop and for this to all go horribly wrong, but it just kept getting better _._ He was so excited his head was spinning and, _and_ —

_Leorio, this feels so good, I…_

Kurapika moaned softly, hooking a leg around Leorio's trim waist so he could bring them even closer. He felt Leorio tremble, felt him stiffen with arousal, but somehow it just wasn't _enough_ , so he dug his nails into his friend's broad, muscular back, strangely desperate. Kurapika had been following a carefully ordered plan all his life, every decision falling one into the other like a line of dominoes, his rage threatening to take him under even as it'd always made him stronger. He was alive, but he'd never _lived_ , not really, not for a cause that wasn't revenge, and so — _if only for tonight_ — Kurapika wanted to lose himself in this moment, these feelings — _no regrets._

Please, _please_...

With a soft, possessive growl, Kurapika hooked his other leg around Leorio's waist and began grinding up against him, hard thrusting motions, wanting Leorio just as much as he needed to be _wanted_ by him. Leorio sighed into his mouth and pumped his hips, once, twice, rocking them together, and then all of a sudden he broke away, one hand tangled in Kurapika's soft blond hair and the other fisted in the covers beside his head, his breathing coming in small, rapid puffs that were as adorable as they were sexy.

"Mmm, ohfuckyes," Leorio mumbled, shifting his position slightly — away from him. Kurapika frowned in disappointment, but he let him go, something deep inside him aching dully.

Kurapika wasn't expecting to be straddled, but he definitely wasn't complaining.

"Easy," Leorio whispered, as if that word meant _anything_ to Kurapika anymore, as if he was still capable of thinking clearly. Leorio lay one big hand near his throat, the tips of his fingers lightly pressing against his jugular, his touch just the tiniest bit possessive. Kurapika wriggled a little, impatient, but Leorio simply hummed, low and soothing, as he adjusted himself, lining up their erections.

Leorio wasted no time picking right up where he'd left off, his hips rolling forward in a smooth rhythm, again and again, gently swaying Kurapika back and forth across the quilt. Kurapika moaned softly, pleasure crashing over him in waves, the friction that Leorio was creating between them almost but never _quite_ enough to put him over the edge. He wriggled again, reaching down to touch Leorio, to touch himself, _anything_ , but Leorio captured his wrists and pinned him to the bed before he could get even remotely close, firmly grinding his dick against his inner thigh in faint reproof, his slow dry-humping becoming a little more insistent.

" _Kurapika_ ," Leorio panted — his name, just his name, but it was enough to make Kurapika shiver, hopelessly undone by how breathless Leorio sounded. The normally cheerful cadence of his voice was roughened with arousal, and Kurapika squirmed as Leorio purposely slid his dick along his thigh again, leaving a warm smear of pre-cum glistening on his skin.

"O- _oh_ ," Kurapika whimpered, his eyes fluttering shut. The teasing was becoming damn near unbearable, and Kurapika could feel his nen spiking wildly in time with his heartbeat; there was a taste like cold metal on his tongue and a ghost-rattle of chains in his head, but before his lust-fogged brain could piece together what was happening, Leorio gave a small squeak of surprise.

"A-ah! Kurapika…"

Kurapika immediately cracked an eye open, wondering _why the hell Leorio had stopped_ , and then he saw. Tightly coiled around his wrist and the knuckles of his right hand were the pulsing links of a thick silver chain. Kurapika blinked, his lips parting in a silent 'o' of shock, two bright splotches of color riding high on his cheekbones.

Well, shit.

"I — I apologize," Kurapika stammered, sitting up so quickly he nearly smacked Leorio in the nose, "I have no idea why I...I certainly wasn't _trying_ to...it must be the adrenaline," he finished lamely, blushing hard. It was the only reasonable explanation — those chains were part of _him_ after all, they responded to his emotional state, and he had never felt anything like this before, this strange mix of excitement and arousal and — yes, _okay_ , maybe he was a little scared, too.

"Whoa, you don't have t'apologize for somethin' like that," Leorio replied, reaching out to run his thumb along Kurapika's jawline. It was a nice thought, but Kurapika was too embarrassed to take much comfort in the reassurance. He dispelled his chains with a jerky gesture, frowning as they sank back into his skin in a wisp of yellow-tinged vapor. To his surprise, Leorio sighed in disappointment.

"Aww, I was hopin' you'd want to tie me up with those…"

"Don't be ridic—" Wait. Kurapika blinked, jerking his head up to meet Leorio's gaze, hardly daring to believe what he was hearing. "Excuse me?"

"Tie me up," Leorio repeated cheerfully, his expression earnest. "I mean, y'know. If you want to. Seriously, I'm down!"

"I...you —" Kurapika began, furiously racking his brain for an appropriate response. Words failed him, though, and all Kurapika could think was ' _he can't possibly be serious_ ,' even as part of him winged in delight at the very idea, and —

"...you shouldn't make jokes like that," Kurapika said, finally, glaring a little. He tried to sound stern, but the gentleness in his tone gave it all away. Kurapika was melting inside, overflowing with a strange mix of exasperation and deep, breathless affection. It was a feeling only Leorio had ever been able to bring out in him, and at this point he shouldn't have been surprised, but he _was_ , Kurapika didn't think he would ever _stop_ being surprised by how much Leorio could unbalance him.

"Who's makin' jokes?" Leorio huffed, frowning. "I'm not j—"

Kurapika kissed him quiet, because suddenly he couldn't stand _not_ to be kissing Leorio, and they went down in a warm tangle of awkwardly groping hands and soft, wet smacks. He ended up half on top of Leorio and half on the bed, caressing his friend's face and his chest and his arms, desperately trying to commit Leorio's body to memory, just in case he never got another opportunity to touch him like this again.

_(Although, now that he was here, now that they were finally sharing the same space, Kurapika couldn't imagine never kissing Leorio again, never running his hands over his skin, fingers in his hair and Leorio's taste on his lips; it hurt to think that this might be their first and last time, he didn't want to think about it —)_

"Kurapika," Leorio sighed against his ear, "hey, I wasn't. I really wasn't joking, earlier, I…"

"I know," Kurapika replied, his lips quirking up in a wry, fond smile. "May I —"

Kurapika left the tail-end of that question hanging mid-air and simply reached between Leorio's legs, gently wrapping a hand around his dick. Leorio hissed sharply, flushing with equal parts surprise and pleasure.

"...is this okay?" Kurapika murmured, giving him a tentative little squeeze. Leorio opened his mouth to respond, his eyes bright, but all that emerged was a low, long whimper, and Kurapika quickly decided to take that for a 'yes'.

Smiling warmly, Kurapika began pumping up and down, lightly at first, then a little firmer, carefully gauging Leorio's reaction to each and every stroke. He wasn't disappointed; Leorio was the epitome of expressive, and it wasn't just his face — Leorio whined and moaned, hips jerking madly, one hand pressed flush against Kurapika's side and the other helplessly curled in the quilt, his skin flushed pink, so, _so_ pretty. Encouraged, Kurapika began stroking him harder and faster, watching Leorio slowly shattering in his arms, his own erection hardly a concern, every fiber of his being focused in on the man beneath him.

"Kura...pika…" Leorio practically sobbed, dribbling precum all over his hand, warm and sticky, and — _oh Leorio_ — Kurapika could feel something almost possessive welling up in him, and he knew he had absolutely no right to feel that way, especially not after two years of cold distance and unanswered calls, but...

But, right now, Leorio was _his_.

"Kurapika," Leorio suddenly gasped, laying a hand over his own. "H-hold up, stop —"

Stop? Kurapika swallowed and immediately let Leorio go, wondering if he'd done something wrong. But a second later Leorio was kissing the skin under his left ear, pausing to ever-so-gently tug on the ruby earring he wore with his teeth. Kurapika had to bite back a yelp, electric sparks coursing down his spine.

"Hold on, okay? Don't go anywhere," Leorio said, as if Kurapika could possibly be thinking of going anywhere else right now. Then all of a sudden Leorio jumped off the bed and darted across the room, stooping down to snatch his briefcase off the couch. Kurapika watched, partly amused and partly fascinated, as Leorio unhooked the latches and began rifling through the things inside, tossing out several colorful silk ties, a few wrinkled jenny bills, a roll of bandages, a pack of gum. A moment later, Leorio was back. With him was a small tube of something that could only be lubricant, and two condoms.

Oh.

"I, uh, figured we need these," Leorio said, and for a moment he looked almost as nervous as Kurapika felt, all blushy and fidgety.

"I...yes. That is — yes." Kurapika cleared his throat, the weight of what they were about to do hitting him like a ton of bricks. His mouth was dry and his heart was slamming against his rib cage, threatening to leap right out of his chest. "So, ah. I suppose we'll be — you'll be using this on me, then?" Kurapika continued, fighting to keep the nerves out of his voice.

Leorio actually smiled at that, his eyes going soft, crinkling at the corners.

"Do you still want me to?" he asked, reaching out to brush several strands of hair off Kurapika's face, away from his eyes, leaving him absolutely nothing to hide behind. Not that he had much to hide behind to _begin_ with, but.

"...Kurapika?"

"I'm nowhere near as experienced as you," Kurapika began, in what he hoped would be a fairly diplomatic answer. "As such, I think it would be best if you took the lead."

"Pika," Leorio's voice was slightly admonishing now; clearly, he was having none of it. "That's _not_ what I meant. Are you still comfortable doing this? Because we can stop if you're not. _Really_."

Kurapika sighed, forcing himself to meet Leorio's gaze head-on. He could feel the other man's regard like a weight, breathtakingly intense, but steady and — deeply comforting, somehow. The look in Leorio's dark brown eyes was deep, _layered_ , like there was more in this for him than just the physical aspect of it, a _lot_ more, and for a moment — too brief to dwell on and too long to deny — Kurapika felt like he was _falling_ , pleasant vertigo, tumbling head over heels. He cleared his throat again.

"...yes," Kurapika replied. Then, louder: " _Yes_ , Leorio. I still want to," and he meant that, every word.

Leorio beamed — the sheer wattage behind it was damn-near blinding — and leaned in to kiss him, all eagerness. And Kurapika kissed Leorio right back, smiling against his lips, so, _so_ happy.

"Okay," Leorio sighed when they broke apart again, resting his forehead against Kurapika's own. "Lay back for me? Um...please?"

Kurapika nodded, his heart racing all over again, but when he saw Leorio reaching for the prophylactics he sat right back up and frowned.

"Leorio…"

"Mmhm?" Leorio glanced up, the palm and fingers of his right hand glistening with lube, his expression questioning. "Somethin' wrong?"

"Yes...no...not really, just." Kurapika gestured vaguely, desperately trying to put what he felt into words, "Those condoms...were you planning to use them as well?"

"O-oh," Leorio flushed, glancing down at the little tinfoil packages, then back up at Kurapika, thinking so hard Kurapika could practically see the cogs in his head turning. "I-I mean. I've always played it safe, and I figured — well obviously _pregnancy_ ain't an issue, but I thought maybe you wouldn't want me...to...uh, t-that is, I don't think I could pull out in time —" Leorio reddened, so flustered his words were jangling together like old railcars. "I guess I could try, but if you don't mind me — ah, fuck, can I please just start over —"

"Shh," Kurapika murmured, pressing two fingers to Leorio's lips, quieting him instantly. Leorio's eyes were big and imploring, and if he hadn't looked so helpless Kurapika would have laughed.

"What I mean to say is...if it's okay with you...I would very much prefer if you didn't," Kurapika said, before adding with a wry smile, "...unless there's some reason you should?"

"N-no! No reason!" Leorio replied, vigorously shaking his head.

"Good," Kurapika smiled again, reclining back on the pillows, "because if I'm making regular trips to the clinic a few weeks from now, I _will_ make you regret it. Horrendously. Now then —"

Kurapika held out a hand, palm up and open, silently inviting Leorio into his space, for a long as they could both stand it. "I'm here, Leorio. If you want me...I'm here."

Leorio's expression wavered for a split second, young and handsome and filled with so much genuine, raw _emotion,_ and then he was sweeping over Kurapika like a wave, peppering his face with hot, passionate kisses. Kurapika wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

"I'm so — I'm so sorry, for rushing," Leorio mumbled, clumsily spreading Kurapika's knees so he could kneel between his legs, his eyes half-lidded and dark with desire. "I want you so bad right now — please, Pika, if I hurt you, _please_ tell me."

Kurapika shuddered, nodding shakily, Leorio's reassurances doing nothing to help his nerves, which were nearly shot clear to hell at this point. He gulped, anxiously watching Leorio slather even more lube on his hands and fingers, hoping he didn't actually look as unsure as he felt. Leorio gave himself two or three quick strokes, coating his dick with the stuff, before he reached down and gently spread Kurapika's legs even further, and — dear gods, this position was so _embarrassing_ , knees up, open wide, his bum on full display.

"We'll take our time later, I promise," Leorio continued, making Kurapika shudder all over again: _later_ , as in the future, as in, oh fuck, _more_.

Kurapika opened his mouth to say — something, _anything_ , but the next thing he knew Leorio was inserting a finger into him, slowly pushing past a tight ring of muscle, and all words were lost in the soft cry that spilled from his lips: half-yelp, half-moan.

"Pika, are you okay?" Leorio asked, his brows furrowing in concern. And, well. Kurapika honestly had no idea how to answer that question. It didn't hurt, not exactly, but it was so — so _foreign_ , and Kurapika was in limbo, drifting somewhere between ' _please don't stop'_ and ' _this is so much more than I was prepared for; I need two shots of hard liquor and a fifteen-minute break.'_

"Kurapika?" Leorio murmured, looming over him. "Oi, Pika. Nod for me, yea? Can you nod if you're okay?"

Kurapika nodded, held fast by Leorio's gaze, his dick aching, his head spinning.

 _Yes, I'm okay. I'm okay because it's you, it's_ always _been you._ But aloud, all Kurapika said was: "You...can keep going."

Leorio swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down with the motion, longing written all over his face. "I'm gonna — use my fingers for a bit," he said, pressing a small series of kisses along Kurapika's thighs. "Try to relax, okay? I swear, I'll take care of you."

Kurapika nodded again, inhaling through his mouth and exhaling through his nose, clutching the pillow behind his head for dear life. Relaxing was...definitely a task much easier said than done. The one finger felt alright, though, and Leorio seemed to know what he was doing, slowly working the digit in and out of him. Every once in a while he would pause, pressing and probing inside, almost as if he was looking for something, and Kurapika squirmed, biting his lip, hoping he wouldn't have to put up with much more of... _whatever_ this was supposed to be. He could tolerate it, but it wasn't nearly as pleasurable as everything else had been, and —

— and that's when Leorio brushed something inside him that made stars shoot across his field of vision. Kurapika nearly bucked off the bed. " _Mmmhn!_ "

" _There_ ," Leorio mumbled above him, his voice breathless, triumphant. As if to prove it to himself, Leorio nudged that spot inside him again, applying firm pressure. Kurapika went molten, his thighs quivering, leaking precum all over his own belly.

"Le—Leo—" he gasped, so far gone he couldn't seem to make it past the first few syllables in Leorio's name. Leorio chuckled in response, low and pleased, and slipped a second finger in. This time there was a _definite_ a twinge, the faint burning sensation of muscles being stretched that weren't normally stretched, and Kurapika whimpered, some of his pleasure fading in a fresh wave of embarrassed discomfort. Sex, he realized, was so very invasive, both physically and emotionally, and Kurapika had been pushing people away for so long the raw reality of this act was like having a bucket of ice water thrown in his face, cold and shocking.

"Leorio, I —"

"I know, I know," Leorio whispered, caressing the taut skin at the base of Kurapika's dick with his free hand, "but if I don't do this now, you'll…"

Leorio began working his fingers in as deep as they would go, pushing in slowly but surely, humming comforting little noises whenever Kurapika tensed or gasped. And it was sweet, so very sweet of him, but Kurapika honestly wasn't sure how much more of this he could take; he was writhing uncontrollably, bunching up the pillow behind his head, and everything seemed to be both distressingly fuzzy and incredibly clear. He was overstimulated, overwhelmed, overfilled, terrified and exhilarated all at once: it was _too much_ , it wasn't _enough._

"Leorio, _please!_ " Kurapika whined, not even entirely sure what he was asking for at this point. If he hadn't been so utterly distracted, he would have been ashamed by the breathy, sobby catch in his voice. Leorio exhaled, and Kurapika was startled to realize that he was shaking, too, his pupils blown wide, leaving nothing but a thin ring of dark brown around them. Leorio darted his tongue over his lips, breathing in measured pants, and finally — _finally_ — withdrew all his fingers. Kurapika immediately missed the feeling of having Leorio inside him.

"O-okay," Leorio said, more to himself than to Kurapika. He reached for the little bottle of lube once again, and Kurapika watched, dizzy-alarmed-apprehensive, as Leorio proceeded to dump almost half of it onto his dick, getting even more on the bed and rubbing any residual over Kurapika's ass. He was halfway tempted to ask if all that was _really_ necessary, but hell, maybe it was.

Then Leorio was kneeling between his legs, hands gripping his skinny hips, the tip of his dick pressed right up against his ass. And — despite everything they'd been doing up until now — somehow this was the moment where everything closed in on him, and Kurapika sucked his breath in hard and held it, all the sexual-physical-emotional tension between them gathered tight, concentrated, condensed.

"Kurapika," Leorio said, shaping the vowels in his name like a prayer. He didn't say anything else, but Kurapika could read the question in his eyes clearly enough: _May I?_

He couldn't speak. He couldn't _not_ speak. Kurapika released the breath he'd been holding and sucked another one in just as quick. He nodded. He trusted Leorio so much. He wanted this, he wanted _him_ , so much.

And then Leorio was easing into him, inch by careful inch. Kurapika's fingers spasmed and his toes curled, time slowing to a dead crawl. Leorio was much, much bigger than a couple of fingers, and while the fingering helped, nothing could have prepared him for this.

It hurt.

It hurt like _hell_.

Kurapika tried not to move, tried not to breathe, tried not to do anything that would inadvertently make this worse, more painful, but _gods_. This wasn't what he'd been expecting, but maybe it was _supposed_ to feel this way, maybe everyone's first time was like this.

Leorio, meanwhile, looked like he'd died and gone to heaven. Kurapika couldn't even begin to contemplate what it must have felt like for him, sinking into all that snug warmth. If he hadn't been in so much pain, Kurapika would have been jealous.

Halfway there, Kurapika began to whimper, unable to hold back. Leorio misinterpreted it as a cry of pleasure, and thrust the rest of the way inside, breathing heavily, looking completely dazed.

"God, you're perfect. You're so perfect, I — Pika?"

Leorio focused in on his face, his brows furrowing. Whatever Leorio saw there made him hesitate, his hips immediately going still.

"Pika...are you alright?"

Kurapika gulped, silently weighing the merits and risks of an honest answer. If he told the truth, Leorio would stop, but...Kurapika didn't want him to _stop_ , not exactly. Maybe, if held on for a bit, it would start to feel good, he would start to feel more like they were making love and less like he wanted to jump out of his own skin. He wasn't scared, he wasn't scared, he was. Not. _Scared_.

"Y-yes, I'm f-fine. Le-le—" _Gods_. Kurapika immediately shut his mouth, feeling light-headed and small, _vulnerable_ , so very vulnerable.

Leorio frowned harder, his fingertips skimming the sharp planes of his hips, his touch charged, his expression filled with so much care. He rolled his hips forward again, barely moving, but it was enough to make Kurapika wince, trembling all over. Leorio sighed.

"Kurapika, I...we can't do this," he murmured, looking genuinely apologetic. Kurapika jolted, vigorously shaking his head.

"No...please, Leorio, k-keep going —"

"Kurapika, you're scared to death! Why didn't you say somethin'?" Leorio admonished, and then he pulled out. Kurapika was relieved and saddened and frustrated by this all at once.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he babbled as he sat up, feeling guilty, feeling _stupid_ ; after all, he'd _asked_ for this, and he couldn't even go through with it, couldn't get over his own ridiculous fucking hang-ups for _ten fucking minutes_ , and —

"I'm sorry, Leorio, I just — I'm really, very sorry —"

"Kurapika, _hush_. You don't have to apologize," Leorio said, crushing him in his arms. "Don't you dare apologize for somethin' like that! _I'm_ sorry."

Kurapika took a deep, shuddering breath, holding Leorio close, feeling acutely, _absurdly_ grateful, for him, for everything. There was a lump in his throat and his bum still hurt from the penetration, but his pride hurt even worse than all that, and Kurapika had always been a prideful person. It was, he reflected ruefully, one of his bigger faults.

Leorio began stroking his hair, slow and smooth and gentle, _comforting_. Kurapika closed his eyes, soaking it all in, running his hands over the broad muscles in Leorio's back.

This...this was okay, wasn't it?

"Leorio?"

"Mm?" Leorio replied, tipping his face down to look at him. Instead of answering, Kurapika kissed him, open-mouthed and passionate; gave up on words and put everything he had left into showing Leorio, in a way he couldn't possibly misunderstand, that he still wanted him. Leorio sighed into the kiss, lapping at Kurapika's tongue, the roof of his mouth, his kisses tempered with a hint of apology. But that wasn't what Kurapika wanted, _at all_ , and he soon found himself drifting lower, kissing Leorio's chin and his jawline and his neck, nipping at his strong, fine collarbones, his hands ghosting over Leorio's cock, which had flagged considerably but was still almost half-hard.

" _Kurapika_ ," Leorio groaned, trembling a little. "We don't have to...really, if, if you're not into this, we can stop…"

"But I don't," Kurapika murmured, gazing into Leorio's dark eyes. "I really...don't want to stop. But I —" he paused, chuckling bitterly. "I'm...scared. I suppose you already know this."

Leorio smiled, slow and fond, reaching out to cup his face. Sensing opportunity, Kurapika inclined his head, sucked Leorio's thumb into his mouth and bit him lightly before letting him go. He felt — and saw — Leorio shudder, felt it run all the way down his spine.

"Oh, _fuck_ , Kurapika, I..." Leorio gulped, looking utterly undone, looking like he was two seconds away from _pouncing_ on him. "Okay. Um. Alright. Here, lemme…"

And before Kurapika could question what was going to happen next, Leorio flipped them, reversing their positions on the bed. Kurapika blinked.

Oh. Ohhh.

"There," Leorio said, smiling up at him. "Kurapika, you have my _extremely_ enthusiastic permission to screw me through this mattress."

Wha- _what?_ Kurapika couldn't help himself, he blushed redder than his eyes. "...come again?"

Leorio smiled wider, running his hands up and down Kurapika's sides, raising goosebumps on his arms. His eyes were soft and so, _so_ soulful, and Kurapika felt it all over again: a sensation like falling, the best kind of disorientation. Desire welled up in him, powerful, undeniable, soaking his brain and settling in his bones, and while part of him wanted to shove it all away — this strange, heady rush of emotions currently wreaking havoc on his carefully cultivated poise — another part of him was welcoming this with open arms, because at the center of it was Leorio — and always had been.

"Kurapika," Leorio said, that beautiful smile never once leaving his face. "Do you want me?"

Ha. Leave it to Leorio to ask all the obvious questions.

"...yes," Kurapika answered, faint, but with no hesitation. "Yes, Leorio. Always."

"Then…" Leorio spread his legs, long and muscled (and hairy), and tugged Kurapika between them, that gorgeous smile never once leaving his face. "Take me."

_Yes, oh yes._

Kurapika dove forward and claimed Leorio's lips with a hard, bruising kiss. Their noses bumped and their foreheads met with a painful _whack!,_ but it didn't matter, it didn't matter, he didn't _care_. Kurapika threaded his fingers through Leorio's hair (which was a whole lot softer than the copious amounts of product he used in it would ever have lead him to believe), and kissed him, kissed him _silly_ , swallowing his moans and probing for more. Leorio responded by reaching around and grabbing his ass, feeling him up and holding him close all at once, and for a while, the only sound was their labored breathing, and the soft, moist smacking of their lips.

Kurapika was the first to break away, flushed and panting, aching with need, _overflowing_ with it. He was so desperate, they _both_ were; Kurapika could feel it in the air, gathered around them like a fog.

So when Leorio sat up and began searching amongst the folds in the quilt for the little bottle of lubricant, his movements jerky with impatience, Kurapika didn't protest — and he _certainly_ didn't protest when Leorio dumped whatever was left of the slippery stuff on his hands, reached between his legs and promptly shoved two fingers up into himself, quickly followed by a third.

Oh. Wow. All things considered, that was pretty impressive.

"Gimme...a sec…" Leorio groaned, furiously working his right hand between his legs. Kurapika nodded dumbly, enthralled by the sight, so lust-drunk it didn't occur to him until it was too late to do anything about it that he should have offered to prep Leorio himself. The thought of slipping his fingers inside him, watching Leorio twist and moan, sent blood rushing straight to his groin. To make up for it, Kurapika hovered over Leorio and lapped at his nipples, gently catching first one, then the other between his teeth. Leorio shuddered, uttering a cry that echoed off the rafters.

"Oh, _fuck_ , Pika — I'm ready," Leorio groaned, practically picking him up and setting him down between his legs. Kurapika dimly wondered if he should have been as strangely turned-on by the fact that Leorio had just handled him like a ragdoll as he was.

"Leorio…" Kurapika whispered, trembling a little — although whether that was from nerves, or the sheer stimulation of it all, he couldn't say. "Is there...I mean, s-should I —"

"It's just like riding a bike," Leorio replied, grinning broadly. "Seriously Pika, don't overthink it. C'mere."

Kurapika smiled, and for once, took Leorio's advice without a word.

Too nervous to feign confidence and far, _far_ too aroused to quit now, Kurapika shyly gripped Leorio's hips, lining himself up at the puckered ring of his asshole.

And, once again, time slowed to a dead crawl.

"((I never realized how much I cared about you,))" Kurapika murmured into the space between them.

"Buh?" Leorio replied, looking adorably clueless.

Instead of answering, Kurapika eased himself inside. And... _ohhh_. Leorio was friction and heat, incredible tightness and mind-numbing pleasure; he moaned like he was dying and wrapped his legs around Kurapika's waist like every slow roll of his hips was giving him life. The feeling was exquisite and utterly, _utterly_ overwhelming, and Kurapika honestly had no idea how he lasted past the first few thrusts it took to bury himself full-length inside Leorio's body, but he did.

"Pika," Leorio whimpered beneath him, his voice several octaves lower than it normally was. " _Kurapika_ , please..."

And that's when Kurapika _lost_ it, abandoning his last tenuous shreds of self control. He rocked his hips back and thrust inside, rocked them back and thrust inside, again and again, faster and faster, gripping Leorio's hips hard enough to leave his fingertips indented in his tanned skin. Leorio whined and groaned and purred, arching his own hips back to meet Kurapika thrust for thrust, and soon their hotel suite was filled with the sound of skin slapping against skin and their commingling cries of pleasure. Kurapika was slick with sweat, so much so it was dripping off his chin and pattering down on Leorio, who was just as — if not _more_ — sweaty than he was.

"((You are perfect...I'm sorry, I...))" Kurapika groaned, close, so _close_ to hurtling right over the edge. His chains snaked out over his arm again, unnoticed and unbidden, and draped themselves over Leorio, over their frantically squeaking bed.

When Leorio reached for one of the glowing links and caressed it, Kurapika couldn't possibly hold back anymore. He came with a hoarse shout, his orgasm zipping through him like a wayward comet shooting across a night sky. Leorio uttered a soft, strangled sound, and reached down to give himself one, two, three quick strokes — and then he came, too, leaving several milky streaks of semen across his own chest.

...Oh.

Kurapika tried — he really tried — to remain upright. But his hands were slipping and his body was sagging, and he dropped, exhausted and trembling, down on Leorio's body. The wetness that immediately soaked into his skin informed him that he would probably live to regret that particular decision.

But then Leorio slipped his arms around him, and.

 

Everything was okay, it was perfect.


End file.
